Did you hear about the man who went onholiday and left the sunbed on?????
Came home and his hoose was tanned
These were posted on the VW website;
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor Wullie.
A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of
antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."
What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an
Aberdeen sheep farmer says:
"Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - "Aye right."
A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street
when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.
"What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.
"Piston broke," comes the reply.
"Aye, same as masel..."
The Jobbies in the street. What one is the musketeer?
The dark tan yin.