Jokes that only work in Scotland

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Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby bcuk10 » Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:37 pm

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident ? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

Scottish Putdowns

She's got a face like a dug lickin pish aff a nettle.

Face like a melted welly

Arse like a bag a washing

Your ma's goat a dick and yer DA's jealous
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby viceroy » Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:58 pm

bcuk10 wrote:A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.


As far as I'm aware that originally comes from an old Bud Neill cartoon. But in the cartoon the wumman says "Pertick", not "Govan".
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby Josef » Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:29 pm

My favourite Bud Neill cartoon is the one of the wummin asking the sailor 'Yaffayot? Wit yotyaffa?' :D
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby BTJustice » Fri Jan 18, 2008 10:11 pm

Did you hear about the man who went onholiday and left the sunbed on?????






Came home and his hoose was tanned ::):



These were posted on the VW website;



What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?

Oor Wullie.



A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of
antlers?"

"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.

"That's affa deer," says the guy.



Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?

He's awa' noo.



After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.

"And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.

"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.



What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?

A skean dhu.



How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just Juan.



A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing.

"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."



What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an

Aberdeen sheep farmer says:

"Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:

"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.

"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"

"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.



Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - "Aye right."


A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street

when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car.

"What's up, Jimmy?" he asks.

"Piston broke," comes the reply.

"Aye, same as masel..."

The Jobbies in the street. What one is the musketeer?

The dark tan yin.
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby Bonz » Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:12 pm

.....my personal favourite only works in Glesga joke is.....

A wee guy gets knocked over and is lying in a coma in hospital. A week later he comes to and sees John Wayne lying in the bed to his left. He looks to the right and sees Clint Eastwood. A doctor approaches him...

"It's awright mate" says the doctor, "yer in the Western!!!"
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby Bonz » Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:13 pm

..... I still pish maself every time I hear it......
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby skintobalinto » Sat Jan 19, 2008 1:26 pm

A guy walks into a bakers and asks is that a doughnut or a meringue? the assistant replies naw yer right it’s a doughnut
Where the music stinks, and they water the drinks, ...at the nudie bar
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby cheesylion » Sat Jan 19, 2008 2:37 pm

Two cows in a field, which one's on holiday?


....The one with the wee calf.
Ching Ching!!!!!!!
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Re: Jokes that only work in Scotland

Postby Peekay » Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:32 pm

On a Sunday morning;

"Herr like a burst couch"

PK
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