A wee joke

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Postby AlanM » Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:51 am

Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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Postby Ally Doll » Wed Jun 28, 2006 10:23 am

Hospital chart bloopers -actual notes from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
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Postby Squigster » Thu Jun 29, 2006 6:05 pm

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his
name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he
knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank
manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out
there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to
use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)


(its a real treat)



(a masterpiece)


(wait for it)





The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."


(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
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Postby cheesylion » Thu Jun 29, 2006 6:26 pm

Squigster wrote: "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a
Rolling Stone."


oooooooh!

I can hear all the groans from here to Ballieston!!!!!!!!!
Ching Ching!!!!!!!
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Postby TommyDGNR8 » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:00 am

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The World Cup Joke

Postby tobester » Mon Jul 03, 2006 6:29 pm

A man has tickets for the 2006 World Cup final.

After he has been sitting in his seat for a few minutes, the man in the seat behind him taps him on the shoulder and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"Absolutely incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, one of the great sporting events, and not use it?"

"Well actually," he says, "the seat belonged to my wife. She was supposed to come with me but she passed away. This is the first World Cup final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," replies the man. "That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat? "A friend or relative, or even a neighbour?"

The man shakes his head: "No, they're all at the funeral."
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Postby Tamandee » Mon Jul 03, 2006 8:16 pm

Joke told by a German friend visiting last week.
What does a Belgian do after Scandinavia beats Germany in the final of the World Cup? Switches off his Playstation and goes to the pub.
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Postby tobester » Mon Jul 03, 2006 10:10 pm

Ronaldo's new strip at Man U season 2006-2007

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Postby hazy » Mon Jul 03, 2006 11:47 pm

What I did on my summer holiday
By Theo Walcott Esq aged 8 1/2


I went to a place called Germany with my Uncle Sven and some
other grown up's. It is a country in Europe where a bad man called Adolf
used to live with
his nazties, he does not live there anymore, Uncle Owen does
live there, and the grown up's say I cant talk about the bad man as it
will make Uncle Owen
cry if I do. In Germany there are lots of castles and some
mountains. We are staying in a place called Baden Baden that's a silly
name, Uncle Frank has the same name as his dad, that's silly too, his
mum must get their underpants mixed up all the time.

On the aeroplane Uncle Sol sat next to me, he got me some toffee
and wants to be my friend, he works at the place where I do my YTS, so
does Uncle Freddy but him and Uncle Sol are not best friends anymore.

Uncle Owen met us at the airport, he talks foreign, Uncle Wayne,
Uncle Steven and Uncle David also talk funny, my mum says Uncle David
talks like Orville, he is a duck, Uncle Sol say's uncle David wears
dresses and knickers, and asked me if I had ever worn them. Uncle Sol
got me some pop.

In Germany the grown ups are going to play football, my grandad
says we beat them in the olden days before my mum was born. That is a
long time ago.

While the grown up's went to play football so I went shopping
with Auntie Vicky and some other girls she bought me a big ice cream and
got herself a little one but she said she was full before she had eaten
any and threw it away. She bought lots of shoes and handbags and let me
play with Brooklyn. She say's she used to be in a pop band and sang me
one of her songs, I think she was telling fibs.

I told Uncle Sol about my day out with Vicky and he sulked, then
he bought me an even bigger ice cream with lots of hundred's & thousands
on it.

All the other grown up's have a girlfriend except Uncle Sol so
he plays with me while they go out. Uncle Sven says I must keep Uncle
Sol happy, that's why I got taken on holiday.

The grown up's went to play Football against somebody called
Sweden, Uncle Sol was crying as Uncle Freddy played for them and would
not talk to him. Uncle Sol bought me lots of toffee today and some
crisps. Uncle Sven is from Sweden and I heard him on the phone to their
boss last night. Uncle Michael hurt his knee and had to go home to his
mum for a plaster. Uncle Peter is a giant, a proper giant like you see
in books, he is rubbish at football though.

Uncle Wayne had a sore toe at the start of out holiday but it
got better so they let him play football. Uncle Sol got me a present but
I do not like it. He says all Germans wear leather underpants and I
should while we are here, they are too tight for me.

All the grown up's started to call Uncle Wayne a potato head who
stood on somebodys spuds. He got shouted at by the referee. They are all
saying that
we have to go home now. Uncle Sol was crying again and I had to
sit on his knee to make him stop. He had his mobile phone in his pocket,
Thank you. And why not.
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Postby Fossil » Mon Jul 31, 2006 3:20 pm

NEWSFLASH

5000 Israeli troops have entered Jordan


















Initial reports are that’s she is tired and her fanny’s a bit sore
Bum tit tit bum tit tit play yer hairy banjo
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Postby Ally Doll » Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:56 pm

Situational Awareness

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a deep valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed
as you.


What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?












Get off the children's Merry-Go-Round, you're pissed.
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Postby cheesemonster » Mon Aug 14, 2006 5:33 pm

What's the first sign of madness?

































Suggs coming up your driveway
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Postby Fossil » Mon Aug 14, 2006 6:26 pm

::): ::): love the last 2
Bum tit tit bum tit tit play yer hairy banjo
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Postby Toby Dammit » Mon Aug 14, 2006 9:19 pm

Modern Fossil wrote:5000 Israeli troops have entered Jordan

They should try this in future.

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travel, films and stuff https://freakydog.wordpress.com/
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Postby stranger » Tue Aug 22, 2006 9:30 pm

This is a true phone call from the Word Perfect Help line which was
transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is
currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
This is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Now I know why they record these conversations!
************************************************************

"Ridge Hall computer assistance;
May I help you?"

"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words
went away."

"Went away?"

"They disappeared."

"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"It's blank, it won't accept anything when I type."

"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

"How do I tell?"

"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

"What's a sea-prompt?"

"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

"There isn't any cursor:
I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

"What's a monitor?"

"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

"I don't know."

"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the
power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall."

"Yes, it is."

"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there
were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one?"

"No."

"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find
the other cable."

"Okay, here it is."

"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

"No."

"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way
over?"

"Oh! , it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark."


"Dark?"

"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window."

"Well, turn on the office light then."

"I can't."

"No?
Why not?"

"Because there's a power failure."

"A power... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff your computer came in?"

"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

"Good.
Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just
like it was when you got it.
Then take it back to the store you bought it
from."

"Really? Is it that bad?"

"Yes, I'm afraid it is."

"Well, all right then, I suppose.
What do I tell them?"


"Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer
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