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PostPosted: Mon Mar 13, 2006 2:13 pm
by Alycidon
A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex
with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance"
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?
"A new woman in the parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

PostPosted: Thu Mar 23, 2006 12:29 pm
by AlanM
A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors:

Damian, David and Donna.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Donna felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and David was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and David managed to get through it and, after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and David began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing

so .........

They buried her...

Then after a further couple of years David and Damain were so ashamed of what they were doing , they dug her back up !

You are in safe hands

PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:15 am
by Alycidon
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet,
which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read
and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower
half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot
reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crew engineers lack a sense of humour! Here are some
actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by
Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

>(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
>(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)

>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>S: Live bugs on back-order.

>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>S: Evidence removed.

>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>S: That's what they're there for.

>P: IFF inoperative.
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>S: Suspect you're right.

>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>P: Aircraft handles funny.
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

>P: Target radar hums.
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>S: Cat installed.

>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.

Re: You are in safe hands

PostPosted: Wed Apr 19, 2006 9:36 am
by Pripyat
Alycidon wrote:>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
>S: Took hammer away from midget.

Christ, the midget has been retraining as ground crew.



PostPosted: Fri Apr 21, 2006 5:14 pm
by VGSmiles
A British company is developing computer chips that store music in women's breast implants.
This is a major breakthrough.
Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 2:15 pm
by Alycidon
Penis Request,
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labour. I work at great depths. I plunge head first into everything I do. I do not get weekends or public holidays off. I work in a damp environment. I don't get paid overtime. I work in a dark place that has poor ventilation. I work in high temperatures. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the Administration rejects your request for the following reasons: You do not work 8 hours straight. You fall asleep on the job after brief periods of work. You do not always follow orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often visiting other locations. You do not take initiative; you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. You do not always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing. You will retire well before you are 65. You are unable to work double shifts. You sometimes leave your designated work before you have completed the assigned task. And if that were not all, you have been constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

The Management

PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 2:54 pm
by Vladimir
::): ::): Very good...

PostPosted: Wed May 31, 2006 3:04 pm
by MadameZiggy
errr... a much more juvenile jokey thing on the humble penis-

Being a penis ain't that great,I've only got one eye,suffer from terrible headaches when I get excited so much so that I think my head is going to explode & I end up being violently sick & to top it all my best pal is a fanny.

:oops: pretty lame I know!Aplogies in advance!

PostPosted: Fri Jun 02, 2006 7:59 am
by Seamey
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company of course does not have a sense of humor and made the web department take it down immediately

McDonnell Douglas Warranty Card
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best
meet your needs and desires.

1. Title: [_] Mr. [_] Mrs. [_] Ms. [_] Miss [_] Lt. [_] Gen. [_] Comrade [_]
Classified [_] Other
First Name: ...........................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:..............................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:..............................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat [_] F-15 Eagle [_] F-16 Falcon [_] F-117A Stealth [_]

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./......

4. Serial Number: ........................................

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[_] Received as gift / aid package [_] Catalogue / showroom [_] Independent
arms broker [_] Mail order [_] Discount store [_] Government surplus [_]

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased: [_] Heard loud noise, looked up [_] Store display [_]
Espionage [_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally [_] Political lobbying
by manufacturer [_] Previously attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product: [_] Style / appearance [_] Speed
/ manoeuvrability [_] Price / value [_] Comfort / convenience [_] Kickback /
bribe [_] Recommended by salesperson [_] McDonnell Douglas reputation [_]
Advanced Weapons Systems [_] Backroom politics [_] Negative experience
opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: [_]
North America [_] Iraq [_] Aircraft carrier [_] Iraq [_] Middle East (not
Iraq) [_] Iraq [_] Africa [_] Iraq [_] Asia / Far East [_] Iraq [_]
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in the near future: [_] Color TV [_] VCR [_] ICBM [_] Killer satellite [_]
CD player [_] Surface to air missile system [_] Space shuttle [_] Home
computer [_] Nuclear weapon [ ] Chemical / biological agent [ ] Other weapon
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[_] Communist / Socialist [_] Terrorist [_] Crazed [_] Neutral [_]
Democratic [_] Dictatorship [_] Corrupt [_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending [_] Cash [_] Suitcase of cocaine [_] Oil revenues [_]
Personal check [_] Credit card [_] Ransom money [_] Travellers check

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker [_] Sales / marketing [_] Revolutionary [_] Clerical [_]
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Defense Minister / General [_] Retired [_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on
a regular basis: [_] Golf [_] Boating / sailing [_] Sabotage [_] Running /
jogging [_] Propaganda / misinformation [_] Destabilization / overthrow [_]
Defaulting on loans [_] Gardening [_] Crafts [_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections [_] Watching sports on TV [_] Wines [_]
Interrogation / torture [_] Household pets [_] Crushing rebellions [_]
Espionage / reconnaissance [_] Fashion clothing [_] Border disputes [_]
Extortion [ ] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
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Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL
DOUGLAS CORPORATION, Marketing Department, Military Aerospace Division

This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named
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PostPosted: Sun Jun 04, 2006 11:05 am
by AlanM
A bloke walks into a public toilet where he finds two cubicles, one of which is already occupied. so he enteres the other one, closes the door, drops his trousers and sits down.

A voice comes from the cubicle next to him: "Hello mate, how are you doing?" He thinks it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude he replies"Yeah, not too bad thanks." After a short pause he hears the voice again, "So what are you up to mate?" Again he answers, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. "Erm just having a quick poo. How about yourself?"

He then hears the voice for the third time: "Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some d******d in the loo next to me answering everything I say."

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:11 am
by Alycidon
One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in Heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman "Sorry, we have rules . . . "

And with that St Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.
In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," Well... I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her, smiled and said . . .

"Yesterday we were recruiting you,
today you're an employee".

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:18 am
by Cazzie
Good one but a bit too close to the truth to be really funny!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:18 am
by Pripyat
Liked that one Alycidon :twisted:

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 9:58 am
by cheesylion
Why did Nivea Cream?

'Cos Max Factor!!

PostPosted: Wed Jun 14, 2006 10:01 am
by cheesylion
A man goes to the doc and says "Doctor, help me, I can't stop wearing cling-film as underwear!" and with that drops his trousers.
The Doc replies "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts!"