A wee joke

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Postby tommytank » Thu Feb 23, 2006 7:38 pm

Tim came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Tim, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Tim was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family ....you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Tim was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Tim, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Tim

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Tim, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"
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wee joke

Postby hazy » Sun Feb 26, 2006 9:26 pm

Rangers new sponser is Orange phones and Walkers crisps. Ibbrox will now be Known as the Orange Walker Stadium
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Postby Bex Bissell » Tue Feb 28, 2006 8:47 am

A wealthy hospital benefactor was getting a tour of the hospital when, during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was knocking one out.

"Thats disgracefull? Why is he doing that?" she screamed.
Doctor leading the tour explained, "I'm so sorry, but this man has a serious condition where the testicles rapidly refill with semen, if he dosnt do this 5 times a day they will explode and he'll die within minutes"

"Oh well, if thats the case its ok then" said the woman.

In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing horatio on a diffrent male patient

The woman screamed "oh my god how can that be justified?"



The doctor replied.......










Same illness but he's with bupa.



taadaaa!
Last edited by Bex Bissell on Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:31 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Pripyat » Tue Feb 28, 2006 9:25 am

Bex Bissell wrote:
In the very next room they could see that a female nurse was performing horatio on a diffrent male patient

The woman screamed "oh my god how can that be justified?"

The doctor replied.......


Same illness but he's with bupa.

taadaaa!



Good one Bex ::):

Though the Horatio thing not a tad necrophilic. Been dead a
few years or perhaps its just these Lithuanian BUPA nurses
at it once more :wink:

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Postby Alycidon » Tue Feb 28, 2006 10:24 am

This is the latest eastern European scam operating in Scotland and in particular the South Side of Glasgow

Two fit 18yr old Eastern European girls who generally wear very tight figure hugging ,cleavage reavealing tops, are targetting lone males in supermarket car parks. First of all, one helps with your bags whilst the other gives your windscreen a wash, whilst displaying her puppies in a revealling way.. Im payment they only ask for a lift to their next destination and get into the rear of your car. They then get extremely amourous with each other and perform explicit sex acts together whilst you drive. One then climbs into the front and performs a sex act on you!!
this is to distract you while the other rifles through your jacket and steals your wallet, ipods etc.
I've personally been caught out on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, twice yesterday and once again today!!
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Postby Bex Bissell » Tue Feb 28, 2006 10:34 am

Can you be more exact with the location.

It would make it funnier. :wink:
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Postby Pripyat » Tue Feb 28, 2006 11:39 am

Bex Bissell wrote:Can you be more exact with the location.

It would make it funnier. :wink:


Try Tesco car parks :wink:
"The nose of a mob is its imagination. By this, at any time, it can be quietly led." - Edgar Allan Poe
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Postby Alycidon » Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:48 pm

A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.

"Recently I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a curry cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (a couple of local Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

______________________________________

Curry # 1: Manoj's Maniac Mobster Monster Curry

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

Paul: Holy shit!! What the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Indian fellows are crazy if they even begin to think this tastes like food.

____________________________________________

Curry # 2: Applesamy's Afterburner Curry

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Paul: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. I had an expression like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.

____________________________________________

Curry # 3: Farouk's Famous Burn Down the Barn Curry

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse curry! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless curry, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Paul: Call Sellafield, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Domestos. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my back bone is in the front part of my chest. I'm now getting shit-faced from all the beer.

____________________________________________

Curry # 4: Barbu's Black Magic Bean Blaster

JUDGE ONE: Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

Paul: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Jaswinder, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 320 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is curry an aphrodisiac?

____________________________________________

Curry # 5: Laveshnee's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Curry using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Paul: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed hospital treatment from 3rd degree burns. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her curry had given me brain damage. Jaswinder saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on to it from a pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Phone the White House and tell them you've discovered a stockpile of napalm.

____________________________________________

Curry # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Paul: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous and dangerously explosive methane building up. I have sulphuric flames leaping from my arsehole. My rusty sheriffs badge feels like it's been rogered with a red hot poker and I've just shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Jaswinder; she must be kinkier than I thought. I Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone! I think if I sit on the toilet now, my arsehole will go down for a drink of water.

____________________________________________

Curry # 7: Sugash's Screaming Sensation Curry

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of curry peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably, frothing at the mouth and nostrils and his trousers appear soiled with what appears to be a smoking gravy.

Paul: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry which slid unnoticed from my mouth. I'm dribbling acid that has eaten my beard away and now feels like it's eating my skin away with it. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful.
Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 2 inch hole this stuff has eaten in my stomach.

____________________________________________

Curry # 8: Hansraj's Mount Saint Curry

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend curry, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced curry, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot curry?

Paul: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report )
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Postby Pripyat » Wed Mar 01, 2006 9:51 am

Alycidon wrote:A Curry Tasters Report

Notes taken from an Inexperienced Curry Taster Named Paul Reynolds, who was visiting Bombay, India from Abingdon, Oxfordshire, UK.




::): ::): ::):
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Hurricane Alert

Postby Alycidon » Wed Mar 01, 2006 1:03 pm

A major hurricane (Senga) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Glasgow in the early hours of Yesterday with its epicentre in The Gorbals. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Pure mental, man-no?".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.

Clyde FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in The Gorbals.

One resident - Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. Ah wiz still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so's ah wiz."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Buckfast to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and Bone China from Poundstretchers.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots or Adidas trainers

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required

foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave chips
-- Pies from Greggs
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Special Brew or bottle of Buckie.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and Irn Bru for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of
those
affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry
alcho-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked.
"Parkheed" said the girl, "wits that tae you?"
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Postby AlanM » Wed Mar 01, 2006 2:12 pm

::): ::): ::):
Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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Postby Tamandee » Wed Mar 01, 2006 5:36 pm

Two women on an internal flight in America, one from New York and one from the Georgia. The New Yorker trying to be friendly turns to the the Georgian and asks: Where are you from?" The haughty reply from the Southern belle comes: "Where I come from we don't end a sentence with a preposition." To which the New Yorker replied: "Sorry, where are you from bitch?"

Apologies if I got the grammatical terms wrong.
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wee joke

Postby hazy » Wed Mar 01, 2006 10:47 pm

Hey Eaglesham Aly :x
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Postby AlanM » Fri Mar 03, 2006 1:34 pm

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly
head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me." ...

"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are fucking menthol".
Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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Postby Bex Bissell » Fri Mar 03, 2006 3:16 pm

Geo Bush has announced he is going to attempt to stop this bird flu thing from getting any worse.
He's going to bomb Turkey and the Cannary Islands.







Waaa waaa waaaaaa.
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