A wee joke

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Postby Ronnie » Mon Jan 23, 2006 8:50 am

La Barbie divorciada.

Un padre sale un poco tarde de trabajar, y en el camino a su casa
recuerda que es el cumpleaños de su hija y que no le ha comprado un
regalo.

Detiene el auto frente a una juguetería y pregunta a la vendedora:
- ¿Cuanto cuesta la Barbie que está en la vitrina?

De una manera condescendiente la vendedora responde:
- ¿Cual Barbie?

Tenemos:
“Barbie va al gimnasio” por $19.95
“Barbie juega volley” por $19.95
“Barbie va de compras” por $19.95
“Barbie va a la playa” por $19.95
“Barbie va a bailar” por $19.95
“Barbie divorciada” por $265.95

El hombre asombrado pregunta:
- “Eh! Porque la Barbie divorciada cuesta $265.95 cuando las demás cuestan solo $19.95 ?? ”

La vendedora con aire de autosuficiencia responde:
“Señor…, “Barbie divorciada” viene con:

El auto de Ken,
La casa de Ken,
La lancha de Ken,
Los muebles de Ken.
La computadora de Ken
y un amigo de Ken…
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Postby Bex Bissell » Mon Jan 23, 2006 9:48 am

Barbie, ella es una perra!
Eso es viejo pero es muy divertido Sr. Ronnie!
::):
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Postby Bex Bissell » Mon Jan 23, 2006 4:09 pm

The Scottish Executive polled 100 people in Dundee to see if they were in favour of the Euro.














The 100 people polled all said that they wanted to stay with the Giro.
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Postby Socceroo » Thu Jan 26, 2006 1:50 am

How did the blind parachutist know when he was near the ground?
















His guide dogs lead went slack.

Well the old ones are supposed to be the best
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Postby Bex Bissell » Thu Jan 26, 2006 9:02 am

English, Irish and Scots boys playing.

Irish boys says, d'ya know my dad likes darts, in fact he's that fast that when he throws the arra he runs and catches it before it hits the board.

English boy says, thats pretty fast, but my dad plays cricket and is a bowler, in fact he's that quick that when he bowls a fast one he runs and catchs it before if it hits the bails.

Scots boy says, thats nothing my dad works for Glasgow District Council and on a friday afternoon he's in the house sitting on the couch watching telly at 2 o'clock and he dosnae finish till 5.





I
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Postby Bex Bissell » Thu Jan 26, 2006 12:03 pm

5 guys driving a car in Ireland get stopped.

Policeman, "Do you know you cant have 5 people in that car"

Driver, "What"

Policeman, "Do you know your not allowed to have 5 people in that car"

Driver, "Yes I can, it's got two seats in the front and three in the back, see 5 people"

Policeman, "No sir, this car says Quattro, four! so you can only carry four folk"

Driver, "Your at it!"

Policeman, "Sorry sir, 4 folk thats all, I'm going to have to book you"

Driver, "I'm no takin this, your af yer heed, get me your boss"

Policeman, "Sorry sir, I cant do that, he's rather busy just now talking to two people in Fiat Uno"
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Postby The Mighty R I D E » Fri Jan 27, 2006 11:48 am

A guy askes his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamboghini Countach - she loves this car she goes every where in it.

One day she picks up her kids from school, she's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor " Where is my son he was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham?"

The doctor replies "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he wont be able to kick a football any more."

The woman asks about her daughter "Doctor where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at wimbeldon"

The doctor says "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she
wont be able to pick up a racket any more" She begins to cry.

"Doctor" asks the woman, "How long have I been in this coma?" The doctor replies, " 6 months". "So what's the date?" asks the woman

"April 1st" says the doctor. The woman begins to laugh "So you were jokeing then were you?"





























Doctor: "YES.........they both died in inpact"
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Postby The Mighty R I D E » Mon Jan 30, 2006 6:34 pm

Guy goes into a sex shope and asks for a blow up doll.. the bloke behind the counter asks do you want a Christian or muslum version
Guy says whats the difference
Bloke in the shop says well with the Christian one you blow that up yourself and the muslim one blows its self up
::):

RIDE
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Postby crusty_bint » Mon Jan 30, 2006 11:20 pm

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper........

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a Rangers Fan from Glasgow.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters who are prostitutes. I have two brothers,one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994 the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Hun ?


(this is a copy and paste job... the denomination is interchangeable :wink: )
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Postby Ronnie » Fri Feb 03, 2006 9:56 pm

Doc: What meds are you on?
Pt: Peanut butter balls.
Doc: What?
Pt: Peanut butter balls! Peanut butter balls, for my seizures!
Doc: Do you mean phenobarbital?


Doc: Have you had any other illnesses?
Pt: Just smiling mighty Jesus.
Doc: You mean you've never been sick before?
Pt: (Looks at Doc like she's crazy) Oh no, I was REALLY sick with that smiling mighty Jesus!
.... she had had spinal meningitis.

[These are true tales from an absolutely brilliant thread of doctors' experiences in Accident and Emergency deaprtments, over at -

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=67019
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Postby Shuggie » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:43 pm

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Postby Shuggie » Fri Feb 03, 2006 11:49 pm

Just got banned from B & Q. I went in and some wanker in an orange apron asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in..... ::):
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Postby AlanM » Sun Feb 05, 2006 9:49 pm

It was November and the Indians on a remote reservation, asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold ," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."


The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied, "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.
Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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Postby AlanM » Thu Feb 23, 2006 9:40 am

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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Postby AlanM » Thu Feb 23, 2006 10:00 am

George W. Bush meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with Vice President Dick Cheney.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell shoes in the next stall.

Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!" Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
Who needs a six pack....when you've got a keg!!!
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