A wee joke

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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Tue Jan 19, 2016 11:00 am

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!! Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.' London Lawyer says, 'What for?' Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Tue Jan 26, 2016 8:32 pm

Guy sticks his head round the living room door and says to the wife "This weather's terrible. I fancy a night in the pub .. get your coat on"

Wife, usually stuck indoors, says "Oh, so you're actually asking me along?"

Bloke says "Fuck no, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out."
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Thu Feb 25, 2016 10:49 pm

Met a new girl in the pub last night.

"Hi" I said "The name's Bond"

"James Bond I suppose?" she replied,

"No, it's Uni Bond I'm here to fill your crack" I said.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Thu Aug 11, 2016 10:00 pm

Hillary Clinton decided to send a letter to Donald Trump to let him know what she thought of him.

Donald opened the letter and found a coded single line.

370H55V 0773H

He couldn't work it out so he called his wife and kids but they didn't have a clue. So they tried the FBI.
They couldn't help, neither could the CIA or NASA. So they sent it to Britain and MI5. for help.

Within minutes they E-mailed the reply,


"Tell Mr.Trump he's holding the letter upside down"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby dimairt » Fri Aug 12, 2016 9:54 pm

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultra-sound man.

And after him?
The hip replacement guy.

I'll get my coat.

Durachdan,

Eddy
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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Tue Sep 20, 2016 9:30 am

met a german girl in the pub last night
i said to her "from zero to ten whats the chance of me getting some of das booty"?
"NINE" she said.

think im in with a chance here.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Sun Sep 25, 2016 11:27 am

Following on from the Icelandic government suing frozen food shops Iceland over the use of the name, the Bank of England are considering suing Poundland.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Sun Oct 23, 2016 11:28 am

The latest toy has just hit the shops, a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what it says yet, as no one has the balls to pull the cord.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Thu Dec 01, 2016 4:50 pm

A guy burst into a couples bedroom brandishing a shotgun while they were in bed and shouted "Am gonnae kill yous", then he asked the woman her name.

The woman stammered "M-m-m-argaret".

The gunman said "I cannae kill you cos ma Maws name wis Margaret", then he went on to ask the quivering husband's name.


Husband pulls the duvet down from covering his face and says "Rab .. but they call me Margaret at ma work".
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Thu Dec 01, 2016 7:18 pm

telt ye doorstop wisnae deid.good yin big yin. ::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Sat Dec 03, 2016 3:17 pm

Cheers Banjo.

Here's another to be getting along with:

Auld Agnes and Senga are outside their nursing home, having a cup of tea and a smoke and a smoke when it starts to rain.

Senga pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Agnes says "What in the name of the wee man is that?". Senga says " It's a rubber johnnie . This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Agnes says "Here! That's a brilliant idea! Where did you get it?"

Senga says "Och, you can get them by the box at any chemist. They're awfy cheap."

The next day, Agnes hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist (a devout Christian) that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesnae matter son, as long as it fits on a Camel."

..

The chemist took six weeks off on the sick
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Sun Dec 18, 2016 11:26 am

Opened a Christmas card this morning and a load of rice poured out............it was from Uncle Ben.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby motman » Sun Dec 18, 2016 5:19 pm

mercury wrote:Opened a Christmas card this morning and a load of rice poured out............it was from Uncle Ben.

::): ::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:00 pm

I went to the library this morning and asked if they had a book on "How to spot a lady-boy".
He said, "Yes we do, .....Ive got it tucked away somewhere",
.
.
"Thats the very one" i said
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Mon Jan 09, 2017 4:48 pm

yesssssssssssssss. ::):
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