A wee joke

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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Fri Sep 18, 2015 3:52 pm

Patient: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor: "That's because I amputated your arms."
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Fri Sep 18, 2015 7:46 pm

glesga hooker offers a punter sex for cash.ahv nae money he replies.well I will flash ma boobs for whatever you have in that bag.done he says.she flashes her boobs and he hands over the bag which contained an old radio and a broken watch.there you have it............................................tit for tat.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Fri Sep 18, 2015 9:09 pm

::):
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Sat Sep 19, 2015 11:43 am

just met a woman with 12 nipples.

sounds funny dozen tit :oops:
toot toot
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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Mon Sep 21, 2015 5:51 pm

Is a cub reporter the guy who writes the newsletter for the local Scout troop?
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Sat Oct 03, 2015 10:47 am

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need
for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Gonnae get aff me? Ah'm fuckin' starvin'."
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Sat Oct 03, 2015 12:07 pm

::): belter.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Mon Oct 05, 2015 1:40 pm

Dick Advocaat has left his post at Sunderland. Asked why he had left he replied "There had been problems off the park. Someone poured a bottle of lemonade over me and it just snowballed"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Tue Oct 06, 2015 3:04 pm

A man who threw a bottle of Domestos through the chapel window has been charged with bleach of the priest.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Tue Oct 06, 2015 4:17 pm

A wee boy goes into WH Smiths and starts leafing through a copy of Playboy.

One of the female shop staff is so incensed by this, she bustles on over, taps him on the shoulder and says "You shouldnae be readin' that, son."

To which our hero replies, "Ahm no' readin' it missus, Ahm jist lookin' at the pictures."
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Sun Oct 18, 2015 2:32 pm

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish, but my mates call me Paddy".
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Tue Nov 03, 2015 5:09 pm

"Mr. Smith I have reviewed this case very carefully" said the divorce court judge. "I have decided to give your wife £300 a month"

"That's very kind of you" replied the man, "I'll chip in a couple of quid myself when I can"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby mercury » Sun Jan 17, 2016 2:24 pm

Snow......

The only thing to settle in Glasgow and not claim benefits. :wink:
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Re: A wee joke

Postby kirkyguy » Mon Jan 18, 2016 12:40 pm

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need
for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Gonnae get aff me? Ah'm fuckin' starvin'."
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Mon Jan 18, 2016 6:58 pm

8 posts late kirkyguy.
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