The Hidden Glasgow Forums

why did the kettle fall off the worktop? .......because it was steaming!

Wee Shuggy Bluenose suffered a serious heart attack while shopping on holiday in the States.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "Naw, nae health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "Are ye kiddin'? I skint ma'sel' payin' fur this hoaliday!"

"Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the increasingly irate nun?

Shuggy replies, "Ah'v only goat a spinster sister and she's a nun."

The nun loses the plot and shouts "I BEG YOUR PARDON! NUNS ARE NEVER SPINSTERS! NUNS ARE MARRIED TO THE LORD GOD!"

"Perfect" says Shuggy "Jist send the bill tae the Brother in Law".

Sad news today,
The inventor of the predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on sundial at the local cream tory.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread everyday. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. He was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

"Do you have any rye bread?" he said

"Aye .." she said "there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

"Aye love .." he said, "I want five loaves."

"Five loaves!" said the sales lady "By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be aw hard."

"Fuck sake" said the old man "I cannae believe every cunt knows about this bar me."

Leonard Nimoy has died and he opted in for being a donor, giving his body up for medical experiments
,
,
,
. My deaf son will be getting his final front ear

2 cats are having a race across a river.
one is called "one two three"
the other is called " Un deux trois"

who makes it across first?

one two three off course because








Un deux trois cat sank.



taxi!

"Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him as he'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come ?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, " Well, Murphy, I notice that you're not wearin' McGlynn's hat, what changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, " Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

A primary school decides to take the Primary 1, 2's and 3's on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their cocks to get the streamies into the high up urinals and not all over their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in Primary 7.'

'Naw, missus', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the fourth but cheers fur yer help.'

Nice one, Doorstop.

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A quarter pounder with cheese.

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest:
"Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's'."

Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks: "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."

The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the mens' eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks: "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".

Patient: "Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor: "That's because I amputated your arms."