A wee joke

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Postby Ronnie » Sun Jul 25, 2004 10:50 pm

dazzababes wrote:A wig and a colostomy bag walk into a pub, the barman refuses to serve them, the colostomy bag asks why, the barman replies "'cause you're full of shite and yer pal's off his heid".


OK, OK, you win!
upupdowndownleftrightleftrightbastart
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Postby nuttytigger » Mon Jul 26, 2004 1:11 pm

whats yellow and smells like paint?

















Yellow paint!! :oops: the daily record printed this when i sent, it was a comp for the worst joke!
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Postby Bing Buzby » Mon Jul 26, 2004 2:10 pm

Speaking of worst joke, this one is pure corn:

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?


"Can you smell carrots?"[/quote]
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Postby evilmiss » Mon Jul 26, 2004 10:55 pm

What's yellow and extremely dangerous?

Shark infested custard....


This next one, courtesty of my brother:

What's green and roams the Australian outback?

Skippy the cooking apple


And a third one...groan...argh

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?

Where the feck is me tractor...


I'm soo, sooo, so sorry...

*hangs head in shame
Don't dream it. Be it.
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Postby kirkyguy » Fri Dec 03, 2004 5:40 pm

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when
>he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a
>little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You Sign! You
>sign!"
>
>Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
>
>Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man
>starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"
>
> Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and
>shuts the door in his face.
>
>The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
>little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
>
>He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You
>sign!"
>
>Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little
>Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man.
>
>I don't want them!"
>
>Then he slams the door in his face again.
>
>The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he
>hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the
>same
>little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
>"You sign! You sign!"
>
>Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time
>Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt
>front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand?
>
>You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
>
>The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and
>says:
>
>(It's a beauty)
>
>(wait for it)
>
>(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
>
>
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Postby gap74 » Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:21 pm

Why did Princess Di cross the road?






















Momentum!

Hardly topical now, but cracked me up at the time...!

Gary
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Postby nuttytigger » Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:34 pm

why could princess Di never be a footballer






























she couldn't get out the tunnel
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Postby nuttytigger » Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:44 pm

i must admit i am pissed just now!!!!
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Postby Fossil » Fri Nov 25, 2005 12:03 am

Apparently Christmas trees are banned in Vietnam,

















































but they may hang Glitter this year.


-F-
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Postby Vladimir » Fri Nov 25, 2005 12:39 am

Boom, boom :roll:
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Postby AlanM » Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:47 am

Two parrots are sitting on a perch, one turns tothe other and asks...

















































Can you smell fish?




I'll get me coat
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Postby Bex Bissell » Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:57 am

Have you heard the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac.




















Stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
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Postby AlanM » Fri Nov 25, 2005 10:29 am

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp?


















He ran a warehouse
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Postby Schiehallion » Fri Nov 25, 2005 9:59 pm

A bottle of orange asks his pal, a bottle of limeade, if he fancies going to Ibrox for the game on Saturday.

"Oh no way man" says the bottle of limeade, "I'm green, I'll get ma top kicked in!"

"Naw, naw, it's no like that at Ibrox anymore" replies the bottle of orange, "Ibrox is aw debentures and corporate boxes. You'll no get no bother at Ibrox - guaranteed."

"Ok, if you say so, I trust you" replies the bottle of limeade.

So the two pals are walking along Copland Road heading for Ibrox at 2.45pm when suddenly, straight out a close, 3 bottles of milk come charging out, knock the bottle of limeade to the ground and repeatedly beat him before rolling off.

"Ooooh, you said it was safe", moaned the bottle of limeade.

"I'm sorry pal, I really am! I didny think the Derry boys would be here!"
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Postby Bonz » Sun Nov 27, 2005 9:58 pm

An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man are sitting round a table in a pub in sunny Spain.

"This pubs no where near as good as my local" said the English man. "Where I come from every fifth drink is on the house"

"That's nothin'!" exclaims the Scots man. "Where am fae every third pint's on the house and they pay yer taxi hame"

"You think that's good?" replies the Irish man. "In one of the pubs in my town the bar staff buy all your drink for you, and then you get to go upstairs and shag the bar staff"

"Really???" replied the Scots man. "That actually happens to you?"

"Naw" replied the Irish man. "But it happened to ma sister........"
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