A wee joke

[Huggy]

Redneck Joke.

Redneck heading home after a few beers, hears a voice in the shadows, "Hey, y'want sex, 20 dollars?" thinks to himself, never been with a hooker, only 20 dollars, what the hell.
Does the business in the bushes, cop arrives and shines a flashlight on the couple, "What's goin on here people", Bubba answers that he's havin sex with his wife. "Sorry about that suh ah didn't know", replies the cop. "Neither did I" replies Bubba, "Till you shone the light in her face".

[tombro]

Good one, Huggy !

Tombro

[Bridie]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Canadian, a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Dane, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Chinese, a Frenchman and an African went to a night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai."

[Boxer6]

A wife comes home late quietly opens the door
to her bedroom. She sees four legs instead of
two under the duvet. She reaches for a baseball
bat and hits the blanket as hard as she can.
Then, with a sense of pride and satisfaction,
she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there,
reading a magazine. "Hi darling," he says.
"Your parents have come to visit, so I let
them stay in our bedroom."

[yoker brian]

Costa Concordia - Sunk,
Costa Allegra - burnt out.

Why the F**k didn't they stick to making coffee ???

[hungryjoe]

A policeman stops a drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test. driver pulls out an nhs card " this man is asthmatic please don't take his breath" policeman asks him to take a blood test. driver pulls out another nhs card " this man is anaemic please don't take his blood" policeman asks him to take a urine test. driver pulls a third nhs card which reads " this man is a r*ngers season ticket holder, please don't take the piss"!

[motman]

A policeman stops a drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test. driver pulls out an nhs card " this man is asthmatic please don't take his breath" policeman asks him to take a blood test. driver pulls out another nhs card " this man is anaemic please don't take his blood" policeman asks him to take a urine test. driver pulls a third nhs card which reads " this man is a r*ngers season ticket holder, please don't take the piss"!

[Doorstop]

A mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son say, "All of you fuckin' cunts who want aff, get the fuck aff noo ' cause this is the last stoap. And all of you cunts who are getting on, get your fat fuckin' arses in the train 'cause we're leaving. Mind the fuckin' gap and don't forget yer fuckin' luggage .. fuckers"

The mother went into the living room and snapped at her wayward lad, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say,"All passengers who are departing the train, please do so in an orderly fashion .. all those disembarking the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

For those of you just boarding we ask you to store all your luggage under your seat. Remember there is no smoking on public transport, sorry for the inconvenience. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us."

And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see that mad fuckin' cow in the kitchen."

[Doorstop]

Wee Shuggy goes for a job at a chemical factory, the factory manager asks "Have you worked with chemicals before?"

"Yes!" says Shuggy, lying through his teeth.

The manager asks "Can you tell me what a nitrate is?"

Shuggy replies "I'm hoping fur time and a hauf."

[Doorstop]

Little Johnny and his parents come downstairs for breakfast to find Johnny's granddad hanging from a beam. They call the police and after all the details have been sorted out, Johnny's dad takes him to one side.

"Look, Johnny," he says, "your teacher was a good mate of Granddad's. If he asks how he's getting on, just tell him the Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven."

As fate will have it, later in the day the teacher asks Little Johnny, "How's your granddad getting on? Haven't seen him for ages."

"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven," says Johnny.

"The Dear Lord has taken him up to Heaven?" says the teacher. "Oh Johnny, I'm really sorry to hear that .. your Grandfather was a good friend of mine, and how did the good Lord take him son?"

"Looked like a fucking lasso to me."

[Boxer6]

Duly nicked, and coming to a Faceboak page near you soon!

[VGSmiles]

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few when I noticed two large girls at the bar. They both had strong accents so I said, “Hi, are you girls from Scotland?” One of them chirped, “It’s WALES you friggin' idiot!” So I immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?” Then, out went the lights!

[Doorstop]

[banjo]

what do you call a glasgow superhero?........................qualityman.

[Josef]

what do you call a glasgow superhero?........................qualityman.

'Kwallity, maaan', shurely?