A wee joke

[br-cmr]

What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver?

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Tutankhamoot !

[zoidberg]

Love that joke Brigit. I actually laughed out loud. It's been cut and pasted and emailed around, and as it's clean all of my relatives have been sent it too.

[BrigitDoon]

Love that joke Brigit. I actually laughed out loud.

Did you read Doorstop's about the wee brown bag further up the thread? I creased up when I read that, so did Mum when she had the email.

[hazy]

Guy goes to the social to start his pension but he forgets to take proof of his age. Any way he flashe the grey hairs on his chest and the girl agrees to take his word for it. Back home he tells his wife about his brain wave. she said If you had been that smart you should have dropped your truosers and we would have got diasbility too.

[pingu]

A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate; the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bedexhausted.


Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again" he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

[Lone Groover]

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."

"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"

About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...

[Doorstop]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.

There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Highlander, "Come away in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.

"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort in the preparation of nothing short of a traditional feast in order to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he
had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly, the door the croft door crashed open and there stood the Highlander.

He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "You go and spoil things in the most heinous and disrespectful way imaginable ... arch your bloody back woman, and take the poor man's balls aff the cold stane floor."

[dimairt]

There's a new doll on the market, Divorce Barbie - it comes with all of Ken's stuff!

Le durachd,


Eddy

[Dave]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down.

There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Highlander, "Come away in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

"Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.

"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality."

The traveller was soon tucking into an appetizing meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort in the preparation of nothing short of a traditional feast in order to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he
had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly, the door the croft door crashed open and there stood the Highlander.

He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality," he roared, "You go and spoil things in the most heinous and disrespectful way imaginable ... arch your bloody back woman, and take the poor man's balls aff the cold stane floor."

Note to self, do not read hiddenglasgow.com forums whilst my 5 year old son is doing his reading homework.

[Doorstop]

Glad to be of service matey.

[Lone Groover]

You are now allowed back in the room wedge

[Doorstop]

Thank Christ for that .. it's fuckin' freezin' oot on that landing.

[Doorstop]

Guy is out shopping in ASDA with his wife when he sees the special offer on Stella lager, 24 cans for a tenner.

He goes to pick a crate up and pop it into the trolley when his wife says with a scowl "Didn't I tell you money was tight this month?". Reluctantly the bloke puts the crate back on the shelf and they carry on shopping.

Next aisle down is toiletries and half way down the wife picks up a £20 tub of expensive moisturiser.

"Here!! .." snaps the bloke ".. I thought money was tight this month??"

"It is ..." replies the wife fluttering her eyelashes "but this stuff makes me beautiful".

"So does 24 cans of Stella love .." replies the bloke " .. and that's hauf the fucking price!"

[jodieohdoh]

I thought money was tight this month??"

"It is ..." replies the wife fluttering her eyelashes "but this stuff makes me beautiful".

"So does 24 cans of Stella love .." replies the bloke " .. and that's hauf the fucking price!"

Here... that sounds more like a true story than a joke! HAve you got a black eye or a fat lip at the moment Doorstop?

[Dave]

Here... that sounds more like a true story than a joke! HAve you got a black eye or a fat lip at the moment Doorstop?

I'll place my bet on Mrs DS having lovely skin