A wee joke

[hazy]

Just relised that if Thomas the tank engine had a stuter he would say The Fat cunt The Fat cunt The Fat cunt The Fat cunt , aw fuck it.

[scottland]

Tit tit tit tit thomas the tank engine.

[hazy]

[BrigitDoon]

That's one of those Looney Tunes' portable holes, isn't it?

[hazy]

That's one of those Looney Tunes' portable holes, isn't it?

It was sent by a member of the Melbourne Selic supportes club. A very angry one I may add.

[Lone Groover]

Two kids talking after Christmas – Jimmy asks Paul “What did you get for Christmas ? “

Paul sits back and counts things out on his fingers,

“ I got a Wii package with all the games, the guitar plug in and the exercise mat, I got a sit in electric Hummer replica with 200 watt stereo, I got a new laptop with wi fi and broadband connection, a 52” plasma TV in my room with Blu Ray player and all the action film packages on Sky. We went to Florida for 3 weeks and I swam with dolphins had dinner with Mickey Mouse saw the new Shrek film being made and had my picture taken with J Lo. On the way home we flew with the England squad And I got a complete replica home and away kit and autographs and phone numbers from all the wags. On Christmas day there was a party and everyone brought me more computer games and a helicopter flew me around town to take picture with my new HD camcorder. “ – “ What did you get Jimmy ?”

Jimmy looks at him and says, “ Not that much, but next year I hope I get Leukaemia……”

[tombro]

It's sad and it's true LG, but it's an absolute stoater !

Tombro

[Lone Groover]

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4th November

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along.

And don't be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family

Pauline
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party.' The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE : 6th November

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?

Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap.

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during day light hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table, too.

To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. And No, no blow-up sheep.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food. We suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!


Pauline.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it.

You'll get your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feeling, too.

They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!!

Hope you all have a rotten holiday * drink, drive, and die!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

[Doorstop]

Bloke goes to his Doctors and says "I got this peanut stuck in my ear at a party last night Doc. Every time I try to ease it out I just push it further in. Can you get it out for me?"

Doctor beckons the bloke over to the examination couch and takes a look into his ear.

After a minute or so the Doc tells the bloke "It's too far down the ear canal to get out with tweezers .. tell you what, go home, pour in some melted chocolate - it'll come out a fuckin' Treat".

[BrigitDoon]

Maybe he could have sent in a couple of Smallgeezers to pull it out. Sorry.

[scottland]

Guy walks into a bar accompianed by a dwarf ,about a foot tall.The guy orders 2 pints and lifts the dwarf onto a stool. After another couple of pints,the dwarf jumps down from the stool and goes over to the piano in the corner, climbs up on the piano and begins running up and down the keys playing Chopin

All the customers observed this in astonishment,the barman asked the guy, where did you get him from.Well, said the man I found an old lamp one day after giving it a little rub a Genie appeared and said he would grant me a wish.

So what did you wish for,asked the barman.









Well, I certainly never wished for a 12 inch pianist.

[Dave]

ba-doom-tshhhhhhh............

[BrigitDoon]

Best before end Dec 1975

[tombro]

Ach, don't be so hard, BrigitDoon !

After all this is the season .... where everyone needs lots of good laughs.

Tombro

[BrigitDoon]

Aw, c'mon! I first heard that one in a previous life. That joke's old enough to be drinking in the pub itself.