A wee joke

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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Sun Aug 17, 2014 4:01 pm

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven, Sir."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?"

Johnny: "Seven!!!"

A very angry Teacher: "Where in the hell do you get seven from?!?!?"

A very angry Johnny: "Because,....I've already got a fuckin' cat!!!"
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby sandabound » Sun Aug 17, 2014 5:42 pm

I heard the 2 lesbians through the wall from me having sex last night.

It wasn't easy mind, I had to turn the TV & fridge off
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Re: A wee joke

Postby sandabound » Thu Aug 28, 2014 1:16 pm

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia society has a website?
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Re: A wee joke

Postby busdriver » Thu Aug 28, 2014 9:02 pm

sandabound wrote:Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia society has a website?



Yes they do: Spiders
Reguloj por la gvidado de sagxuloj kaj blinda obeemo de malsagxuloj.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby sandabound » Fri Aug 29, 2014 11:44 am

busdriver wrote:
sandabound wrote:Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia society has a website?



Yes they do: Spiders


:roll: ::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Tue Sep 16, 2014 12:52 am

There were two men who played golf together every Sunday. One was several strokes better than the other. The lesser player, however, was a proud bugger, and never took any strokes to even up the score.

One Saturday morning, he shows up with a gorilla at the first tee.

He says to his friend, "I've been trying to beat you for so long that I'm aboot ready to gi' up. But, I heard about this golfing gorilla, and I was wondering if it would be alright if he plays for me today. In fact if ye're game, I'd like to try to get back all the money I've lost to you this year. I sat doon and counted it up last night and it comes tae aboot £1000. Ye up for it?"


The other guy thought about it for a minute and asked himself "How fuckin' good could a gorilla be at golf?" and then decided to play away and double his money.


Well, the first hole was a straightaway par 4 of 450 yards.

The guy hits a beautiful tee shot, 275 yards down the middle, leaving himself a 6 iron to the green.

He bends down, picks up his tee and gives his mate a sly grin as the gorilla waddles up to the tee-off.

The ape takes a few powerful practice swings and then horses the ball 450 yards, straight down the middle, right at the pin, it rolls on for a foot or two and it stops about 3 inches away from the hole.

The scratch golfer turns to his friend and says "That's fuckin' incredible, I would have never believed it if I hadn't seen it wi' my ain eyes. But, you know what, I've seen enough. I've got nae interest in being totally reamed oot by this gorilla golfing machine for a whole round. You take it back back to where ye got it frae. I need a drink; better make it a double, and I'll write ye oot a cheque for you gettin' back."

The bloke leaves to take the gorilla up the road, and when he gets back his mate hands over the cheque for the grand and, well into his third double drowning his sorrows, asks, "By the way, how's that gorilla's putting?"

The other guy replies, "Same as his driving."

"That good, eh?"

"Good? Naw. He putts the same way - fucks it 450 yards, right down the middle!"
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby busdriver » Wed Oct 08, 2014 7:07 am

There was a man at the front of the queue in Tesco buying condoms & when the cashier asks do you need a bag? He said "no she isn't that ugly”. :wink:
Reguloj por la gvidado de sagxuloj kaj blinda obeemo de malsagxuloj.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby octavia » Wed Oct 08, 2014 9:11 pm

what is wee and hairy and hangs out your pyjamas? your maw...........
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Alycidon » Mon Oct 13, 2014 3:20 pm

Oh my god..

A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded.

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.
[img]http://www.jhowie.force9.co.uk/emu314carcream.gif[/img]

We must perform a Quirkafleeg!!!!
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Re: A wee joke

Postby HollowHorn » Fri Oct 17, 2014 4:09 pm

I wonder who was the first person to say:
'You see that chicken? The next thing that falls out of it's arse, I'm going to eat it!'
Yes Bridie, you do.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby ninatoo » Fri Oct 17, 2014 11:30 pm

::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Mon Oct 20, 2014 1:07 pm

mates just came back from africa and he cant stop buying raffle tickets

i think hes caught that tombola :oops:
toot toot
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Josef » Mon Oct 20, 2014 8:00 pm

HollowHorn wrote:I wonder who was the first person to say:
'You see that chicken? The next thing that falls out of it's arse, I'm going to eat it!'


Y'know, the one that gets me is that Japanese fish where you have to train for three years before they'll allow you to prepare it for human consumption.

I mean, how did the conversation go? "Alright, alright, so the last dozen blokes that tried eating this thing died horribly, but y'know maybe it's not all bad. Here, you try this bit and I'll try this other bit. Oh."
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Re: A wee joke

Postby sandabound » Wed Oct 22, 2014 12:21 pm

I've just landed a part in our local Amateur Dramatics Society production about a man who has a strong attachment to his dog.
!
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
I'm playing the lead.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby sandabound » Tue Oct 28, 2014 8:04 pm

Following a Crash of his Helicopter, and late in the night a Helicopter Pilot regained consciousness in Hospital.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes
up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse
hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious
accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her
slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"
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