A wee joke

[sandabound]

I couldn't work out why the Frisbee was getting bigger...........Then it hit me.

[sandabound]

Friends wife wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them. Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite. All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible,
called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomachs. After the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum, "I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"..............




"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down"
.

[sandabound]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."


"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy

[banjo]

just got a text message saying bnag.bang out of order i think.

[pingu]

keep getting text messages saying..

"comb your hair" and "wash your face" and "brush your teeth"!!!!

think some ones trying to groom me

[sandabound]

keep getting text messages saying..

"comb your hair" and "wash your face" and "brush your teeth"!!!!

think some ones trying to groom me

I'm stealing this

[Doorstop]

A nurse starts her first shift at a new hospital.

As she walks into the ward, she sees a man in a white coat sitting at the main reception desk.

Suddenly he stands up and shouts "MEASLES! MUMPS! RUBELLA! TYPHOID! POLIO and RABIES!" before walking briskly from the ward.

"What's going on? Who's he?" asked the nurse?

"Oh, that's just Dr. Bryce" says the other nurse "He likes to call the shots around here".

[sandabound]

Thiery Henryhttp://youtu.be/1rrOSHKtChk

[sandabound]

Remember if your ever attacked by a gang of Clowns


Go for the Juggler.

[Doorstop]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for ‘Wee Shuggies Big Bear Removers.’

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got with him a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean, old, pit bull dog.

‘What are you going to do?’ the home owner asks.

‘I'm gonnae put this ladder up against the roof, and then I'm gonnae go up there and knock the bear aff the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear faws aff, the dug's trained to grab and bite hard on the bear's baws and no' let go. The bear'll struggle till it's fucking exhausted then, when it's completely fucked, I drag it intae in the cage in the back of the van.’

He hands the shotgun to the home owner.

‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the home owner.

'If the bear knocks me aff the roof first, shoot the dug.'

[banjo]

bravo sir

[pingu]

I was standing in a bar in Glasgow yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Dae ye know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why the f*ck did you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"Naw", I say, "It's cause yer drinking ma beer, ya wee pr**k."

[mercury]

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his legal team and hired Celtic. He said they're the only ones he knows who could lose both legs and still win.

[Delmont St Xavier]

She was carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humor her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit.
To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.
The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”
The old lady replied, “Gambling.”
The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”
“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”
The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“If you insist,” said the bank manager.“I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”
The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”
“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.
That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the Bank manager’s balls in my hand.”

[pingu]

whats the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

no one ever paid £100 to have a lentil on them.