An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese
scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the
kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen
table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he could
almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing
him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the
edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife . . . . . . . .
"Feck Off!! ",she said, "They're for the funeral"
The Hidden Glasgow Forums
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A wee joke
Moderators: John, Sharon, Fossil, Lucky Poet, crusty_bint, Jazza, dazza
by VGSmiles » Tue Oct 24, 2006 9:03 pm
I thought this was a cute one.
RECIPE FOR MAKING LOVE:
Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined bowl 1 FIrm banana.
DIRECTIONS: Look into laughing eyes. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers as heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight). The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn’t soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes: If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. If cake rises, leave town.
RECIPE FOR MAKING LOVE:
Ingredients: 4 Laughing eyes 4 Well-shaped legs 4 Loving arms 2 Firm milk containers 2 Nuts 1 Fur-lined bowl 1 FIrm banana.
DIRECTIONS: Look into laughing eyes. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers as heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight). The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn’t soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.
Notes: If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use. Do not lick mixing bowl after use. If cake rises, leave town.
-
VGSmiles - Second Stripe
- Posts: 212
- Joined: Thu Nov 17, 2005 7:04 pm
by DVF » Wed Oct 25, 2006 11:48 pm
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. "Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my stag night that I shagged on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher
The hill goes up and down.
-
DVF - Second Stripe
- Posts: 329
- Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2004 5:35 pm
- Location: Clydebank
by Mori » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:10 pm
A young woman in Glasgow was so depressed that she decided to end her
Life by throwing herself into the Clyde. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
Pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After
all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
"................................this is the Renfrew Ferry!!!!
Life by throwing herself into the Clyde. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the
Pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I’ll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After
all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in America would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained.
"I get food and a trip to America, and he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," the captain said.
"................................this is the Renfrew Ferry!!!!
-
Mori - Third Stripe
- Posts: 3434
- Joined: Wed May 04, 2005 1:05 pm
- Location: Glasgow
by Mori » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:12 pm
Groom's Tale
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was nearme and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for
better !"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been
dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was
only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger
sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down
when she was nearme and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It
had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to
me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total
shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my
bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down
the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed
straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are
very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for
better !"
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
-
Mori - Third Stripe
- Posts: 3434
- Joined: Wed May 04, 2005 1:05 pm
- Location: Glasgow
by Mori » Sun Oct 29, 2006 9:13 pm
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that
you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
-
Mori - Third Stripe
- Posts: 3434
- Joined: Wed May 04, 2005 1:05 pm
- Location: Glasgow
by HollowHorn » Tue Nov 21, 2006 10:39 pm
Made me laff, cheers Ozneil.
Superman was flying around looking for some excitement.
He saw Wonder Woman lying naked on a roof in a most provocative pose so he thought "Why not" & dived down for a "quickie"
Being Superman he lasted a nonosecond & was off!
Wonder Womam exclaimed "wow what the fuck was that?"
"No idea" sobbed The Invisible Man "but I've got one helluva sore arse"
Superman was flying around looking for some excitement.
He saw Wonder Woman lying naked on a roof in a most provocative pose so he thought "Why not" & dived down for a "quickie"
Being Superman he lasted a nonosecond & was off!
Wonder Womam exclaimed "wow what the fuck was that?"
"No idea" sobbed The Invisible Man "but I've got one helluva sore arse"
-
HollowHorn - Third Stripe
- Posts: 8921
- Joined: Mon May 23, 2005 9:59 pm
- Location: Paisley
by Peekay » Wed Nov 22, 2006 6:28 pm
Wee Billy's sitting in his Possil High class one day when the teacher says "Right class! From now on I'll ask a question on a Friday afternoon and whoever answers it correctly doesn't need to come back to Tuesday"
Wee Billy thinks "Ya beauty! Am pure minted at questions so am ur"
First Friday rolls around and Teacher says "Right class, the question for today is- Who said "Never have so few given so much to so many?"
Wee Billy shoots his hand in the air, teacher looks around and points to Tarquin-Smyth.
Tarquin-Smyth stands up and replies "Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain, 1941 Miss".
"Off you pop Tarquin, see you on Tuesday"
Next Friday comes around. "So class, who said, " One small step for man, One giant leap for mankind?"
Wee Billy rockets two hands up this time. Teacher looks around the class and points out Farquhar Fauntleroy. "Yes Farqhar!"
"Neil Armstrong, Moon landing, 1968 Miss".
"Very good, see you on Tuesday Farquhar"
Next friday Billy thinks "Right! It's GOT to be my day now"
Teacher gets to her question time, "Right class! Who said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what can you do for your country?"
That's it! Wee Billy's up out his seat like a rocket, two hands in the air, dancing around shouting "Me Miss, Me Miss!"
Miss looks around and sees young Master Humphrey II. "Yes Sir"
Master Humphrey stands up and says "JFK, Inauguration speech, 1961"
"Very good! See you on Tuesday"
Wee Billy sits back down dejectedly and says "Where the Fuck did all these English Bastards come from?"
Teachers spins back round from the blackboard and shouts "WHO SAID THAT?"
Billy's up, out his chair "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746, See ya Tuesday Miss"
PK
Wee Billy thinks "Ya beauty! Am pure minted at questions so am ur"
First Friday rolls around and Teacher says "Right class, the question for today is- Who said "Never have so few given so much to so many?"
Wee Billy shoots his hand in the air, teacher looks around and points to Tarquin-Smyth.
Tarquin-Smyth stands up and replies "Winston Churchill, Battle of Britain, 1941 Miss".
"Off you pop Tarquin, see you on Tuesday"
Next Friday comes around. "So class, who said, " One small step for man, One giant leap for mankind?"
Wee Billy rockets two hands up this time. Teacher looks around the class and points out Farquhar Fauntleroy. "Yes Farqhar!"
"Neil Armstrong, Moon landing, 1968 Miss".
"Very good, see you on Tuesday Farquhar"
Next friday Billy thinks "Right! It's GOT to be my day now"
Teacher gets to her question time, "Right class! Who said "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what can you do for your country?"
That's it! Wee Billy's up out his seat like a rocket, two hands in the air, dancing around shouting "Me Miss, Me Miss!"
Miss looks around and sees young Master Humphrey II. "Yes Sir"
Master Humphrey stands up and says "JFK, Inauguration speech, 1961"
"Very good! See you on Tuesday"
Wee Billy sits back down dejectedly and says "Where the Fuck did all these English Bastards come from?"
Teachers spins back round from the blackboard and shouts "WHO SAID THAT?"
Billy's up, out his chair "Bonnie Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746, See ya Tuesday Miss"
PK
-
Peekay - Third Stripe
- Posts: 1021
- Joined: Sun May 14, 2006 12:55 pm
by Peekay » Sun Nov 26, 2006 2:46 am
Christmassy ones!
~~How to cook a Turkey~~
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
~~How to cook the fruitcake~~
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat if necessary.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift the cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
PK
~~How to cook a Turkey~~
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
~~How to cook the fruitcake~~
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat if necessary.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 C of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift the cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey again.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one tablespoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
PK
-
Peekay - Third Stripe
- Posts: 1021
- Joined: Sun May 14, 2006 12:55 pm
by stranger » Sun Nov 26, 2006 5:33 pm
another christmas one
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.
"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.
"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph "It's better than Derek."
-
stranger - Second Stripe
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Sun Jan 30, 2005 8:14 pm
by Margaret » Fri Dec 01, 2006 9:28 pm
Once upon a time
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f****n' think so
in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat
contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
and said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however,
and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am
and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle
with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals,
clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so. "
That night,
as the princess dined sumptuously
on lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine
and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't f****n' think so
- Margaret
- First Stripe
- Posts: 60
- Joined: Sun Nov 13, 2005 9:09 pm
- Location: Millport
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