A wee joke

[banjo]

aye,cannon and ball must be bricking it.

[stranger]

Problem solved

[sandabound]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

[bcuk10]

The governments benefits agency ATOS, have today declared Jesus fit for work

[sandabound]

Steven Hawking comes back from a date.


His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.


She stood him up!

[edward carolan]

At the cemetery the other day, I
saw these pallbearers carry a coffin
around and around for three hours.

I thought "They've lost the plot."

[Doorstop]

Two Scots are out hunting grouse, shotguns over their shoulders.

"Hey, Jock, why aren't you wearing your ear protection?"

"Had an accident last week, Jimmy."

"Whit happened?"

"Some cunt offered me a whisky an' a didnae fuckin' hear him."

[Huggy]

Captain Kirk of Star Trek fame is to sponsor a new range of womens lingerie, "Shatner Knickers" however has been rejected as a possible brand name?

[pingu]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, A passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the man.


"These are my khakis"

[The Egg Man]

.............................
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

That alone has just about decided me to buy one. A Dyson that is.

One question if anyone knows. Everyone says they're brilliant. If that's the case, why are there so many refurbished examples around?

[tombro]

Eggman,

Just ask one of those guys who have ended up in the Casualty Department !

Tombro

[The Egg Man]

.............................
Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty department. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

That alone has just about decided me to buy one. A Dyson that is.

...................

Did you hear the one about the guy who went out to buy a Dyson and came home with an iPhone?

[Doorstop]

An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back hame. See in Glasgow, there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Noo, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when ye buy 4 drinks, he buys the 5th drink fur ye."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin dere's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, de moment you set foot in de place dey'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had yer fill of drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get shagged silly. All on the house."

"Wow," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, meself, personally, no," said the Irishman "but me sister goes every week!"

[banjo]

oh,yer back are ye.

[Doorstop]

On my wanderings, yes.