A wee joke

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Re: A wee joke

Postby sunnysider » Thu Jul 15, 2010 8:47 pm

I was visiting my wee daughter at her mother's last weekend and as usual gave her a bath and put her to bed with stories.

After 2 stories I said: "Ok - third one. What story do you want, sweet pea?"

She said: "Daddy, can I have five minutes peace?"

A bit hurt, I said of course you can sweetheart, tucked her in, gave her a kiss goodnight, turned the light down and tiptoed out. Bottom lip you could hang a picture on.

Ex-wife in the lounge says: "That was quick."

"She said she wanted five minutes peace."

"That's the name of her new book, you dickhead."

I turned and saw the wee one standing in the dark hall, clutching her wee blanket and her book, looking totally bemused.

Not often I agree with the ex, but yeah. Dickhead does it.

(it's about a mother elephant harassed by her baby elephants, if anybdy's interested)
Whaddya mean, keep down? Why, they couldn't hit an elephant from this dist-
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Fri Jul 16, 2010 5:53 am

::): Super stuff.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Fri Jul 16, 2010 4:33 pm

as one who is at the reading to the grandwean stage ,that was priceless. ::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby hungryjoe » Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:35 am

Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby aland » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:02 am

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?' The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mout...h was dry and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side.

The croc asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?' The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint.

The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!'

So the koala looked down at him and said, 'Holy shit dude... How much water did you drink!?'
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Re: A wee joke

Postby hungryjoe » Tue Jul 20, 2010 11:55 am

::): ::): ::):
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Re: A wee joke

Postby hungryjoe » Tue Jul 20, 2010 3:37 pm

A Greenock man is down the Celtic social club on a Friday night and buy's a raffle ticket.

Lo and behold, he scoops first prize, and the prize is a camel........

"Whit the hell am I gonnie dae with a camel?" he asked his pal.

"camels are rerr hings mate, they eat aw yir grass and shite on yir plants, you'll never need to do any gardening again!"

So, the guy finishes his beer and starts to think how he can explain this camel to his wife. He chucks a rope around the camels neck and walks off to the bus stop to wait on the Braeside bus.

The bus pulls up and the driver points to a big sign 'NO PETS ALLOWED'

Brainwave: "I'll just ride it up the road" he says to himself.

So while he's heading up the road, he gets to Barr’s Cottage and thinks to himself that he can get last orders in.

So he jumps off his camel and ties it to the railings and goes upstairs at Barr’s Cottage for a couple of swift halfs.

He comes out later and the camel’s away.

”Some wee skank fae the Bow Road must hae stole it” he thinks to himself.

So he phones the Polis and after the usual half hour wait they arrive.

"Right pal, geez a description o’ this camel, wis it a Sahara Desert wan?" asks the big Polis.

"nae idea said the guy, am a welder in Kincaids, av no got a clue aboot camels"

So the Polis asks', "many humps did it huv on its back then?"

So the wee guy replies, " Telt you big yin, av nae ideas aboot they camel hings, the only thing I know is that the camel wis female."

The Polis then asks him to explain how he knew it was a female.

"Well when i wis riding it up the road I passed a bus stop and I heard a bloke sayin tae his mate, “check oot the fanny on that camel”
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Tue Jul 20, 2010 4:41 pm

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

A rather stern looking nun strides over to the table making a note which she then posts on the apple tray: Take only ONE. God is watching.


Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies upon which a child had written a note: Take all You want. That God cunt is watching the apples!
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Lone Groover » Wed Jul 21, 2010 1:48 pm

From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal

Dear David

This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

All the best, Jeff Peters


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal

Dear Jeff,

Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.

Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.

Regards, David.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.

Cheers, Jeff


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Do I get free shipping with that?

Regards, David.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.

I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.

My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.

Regards, David.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Hello David

Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.

Cheers, Jeff


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.

I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.


He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.

Regards, David.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Go f$*k yourself.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Dear Jeff

I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.

As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.

If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.

There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.

I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.

Regards, David.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN


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From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Ok.


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From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?


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From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due

The middle one.
"Work hard, Rock Hard, Eat hard, Sleep hard, Grow big, Wear glasses if you need 'em"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Cyclo2000 » Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:03 am

Yes it's a good site you got that from....
http://www.27bslash6.com/
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Tue Aug 03, 2010 6:09 pm

Just heard a dyslexic mate of mine got severely beaten up in South Africa during the World Cup.

Apparently someone took grievous offence when he tried to blow a Zulu Fella.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby munroman » Wed Aug 04, 2010 1:33 pm

Doorstop wrote:Just heard a dyslexic mate of mine got severely beaten up in South Africa during the World Cup.

Apparently someone took grievous offence when he tried to blow a Zulu Fella.


Unlike my friend who got caught trying to blow a Zulu Vulva.................
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Lone Groover » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:15 pm

Problem Solving: Canine Style

Sniff problem

Can I shag it?
- Yes - Shag it, Problem solved.
- No. Can I eat it ?
- Yes - Eat it , problem solved.
- No - piss on it and walk away.





Problem solving, Feline style

Not my problem
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Tue Aug 17, 2010 10:08 am

a wee glasgow guy limps into a bar moning and groaning about having aching feet
whits wrang wi ye asks the barman
sciatica replies the wee man
sciatica,in yer feet,away ye go
aye says the wee man,sciatica seven and these are only a six.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Wed Aug 18, 2010 9:12 pm

I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother last night, thinking all that fat dozy tosser has done is lay on the sofa scratching his balls and moaning about everything.

Then I realised the TV wasn't even on and it was just the reflection off the screen.
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