A wee joke

[munroman]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his
age, in a small coastal Irish community.

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed
during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are
entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Vet since
there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet
didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his
mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having
difficulty breeding. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big
towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would
cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax.

So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big
towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to
the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man
have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel.

They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a
half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in
a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how Ya waves a fu**in'
towel!'

[BrigitDoon]

Grockles also known as 'piles' as they are a pain in the ass & they appear in bumches......

The Cornish call them emmets*, so I'm told.

(*=ants)

[rabmania]

Grockles also known as 'piles' as they are a pain in the ass & they appear in bumches......

The Cornish call them emmets*, so I'm told.

(*=ants)

They sure do my 'ansome. Proper job too.

[wee minxy]

Bird with no legs
A man was sure his wife was cheating on him. He thought about what to do either catch her or the guy. HE decides to get a dog and train it to bite the balls off of any other man in the house. While he's browsing around the pet shop he passes a bird.

The bird says "Hey, how it going today guy?"

The man continues to browse. He again walks by the bird and the bird says: "hey, I don't often get a chance to talk to anyone. Come on, ask me a quesiton."

The man looks at the bird and thinks. This bird would obviously be able to tell him if his wife were fooling around. S o he asks a saleswomen about the price of the bird. The woman tells him the bird is on special for $25.

He decides to buy the bird. There's only one catch, however; the bird has no legs. It is explained to him that the bird remains on the perch by wrapping his dick around it.

So he takes the bird hom eand sets it up in the living room where it can see everything, then goes off to work. When he gets home, he asked the bird aobut visitors.

"Well, only the visitor today was the insurance man"
"insurance man?!? What did they do?"
"Well, first he took off all his clothes"
"DAMN!"
"Then she took off her clothes."
"Damn!, What happened next"
I don't know, my dick got hard and I fell off this damn stick!"

[tombro]

Minxy, that is brilliant !

Tombro

[Doorstop]

A burglar breaks into a darkened house in a more gentile district of our fair city and he is in mid plunder, rummaging through drawers and making a mental note to remember to lift the DVD collection and state of the art Bang and Olufsen when he hears a voice from the darkness whisper harshly "Jesus is watching you!".

His heart pounding he swings the beam of his torch around to see his accuser but ... nothing. His eyes strain to peer into the half light but there's no-one there.

He puts his audible hallucination down to the stress of his present predicament and once again gets down to the job in hand.

After a minute or so he once again hears the sharp, high pitched whisper .. louder and more insistent this time "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!!"

He let's out a small, involuntary yelp of fear and once again trains the beam of his torch into the oppressive darkness, scanning franticly around the room to find the source of the sinister warning, when - in the corner - he sees a large african parrot, sitting bolt upright in its cage watching him intently.

The robber, trembling in fright at the prospect of being caught, says "Was that you?"

"Yep." the parrot replies ... "I'm Moses"

Breathing out a long, lung relieving sigh of relief the burglar allows a sleekit grin to spread over his face in the knowledge that his accuser is merely a bird.

"Moses?" he says out loud .. "Fuckin' Moses? What sort of arseholes call their parrot Moses?"


"The same arseholes who call their Rottweiler Jesus" says the parrot.

[bcuk10]

GLESGA (Glasgow) NUNS




Sister Senga and Sister Helen, are travelling from Scotland through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Aw naw!" shouts Sister Senga. "Whit are we gonnae dae?"

"Turn the windae wipers oan. That will get rid of the abomination" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Whit ahm a' gonnae dae noo?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windae washirs . I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican!" says Sister Helen.

Sister Senga turns on the windae washirs. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"It didnae wurk, whit'll a dae?" shouts Sister Senga.

"Show him your cross!" says Sister Helen.

"Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......
"Get tae fuck aff the car ya durty wee vampire bastard!!!!"

[Its_a_gamp]

An American tourist goes on a trip to China .
While in China , he is very sexually promiscuous
and does not use a condom at all.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes
one morning to find his penis covered with bright green
and purple bumps.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The
doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders
some tests and tells the man to return in two days.

The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says:
'I've got bad news for you.
You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost
unheard of here. We know very little about it'.

The man looks a little perplexed and says:
'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc'.

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure.
We're going to have to amputate your penis'. The man
screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion'.

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if
you want, but surgery is your only choice'.

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,
figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah,
yes, Mongolian VD. Vely rare disease'.

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know
that!, but what we can do?
My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?'

What, cut your dick off !!! The Chinese doctor shakes his
head and laughs:
'Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more
money, that way. No need to opelate!'


'Oh, Thank God!', the man replies.

'Yes', says the Chinese doctor, 'You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself!
'You save money.'

[Doorstop]

What's big, grey and disnae matter?







































An Irrelephant.

[Lone Groover]

What to do on a plane if the passenger next to you is irritating:
1- Remove your lap top from its bag
2- Open the laptop slowly and carefully
3- Turn on
4- Ensure the passenger next to you is watching
5- Turn on the Internet
6- Close your eyes for a brief moment, open them again, turn your gaze upwards to the skies as if in prayer
7- Take a deep breath and open this site
http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
bserve the facial expression of your neighbouring passenger.

[flyman]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Palmer?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Mason?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Rayder?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Jonesett?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Karen Smithson?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Simon, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that..
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Johnny slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Doorstop]

After having their 11th child (Chantelle Brittany Stephanie Anne Marie Larsson O'Neill), a Glasgow couple decided that was enough because Brighthouse didn't stock beds larger than a King Size.

So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children .. "Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no" said our intrepid explorer of contraception.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a large firework banger available from most East End corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

Our intrepid Contraceptioneer said to the doctor, 'Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand....

[Surfer Rosa]

I went to see my very attractive doctor the other day. She said 'you'll have to stop masturbating'. I said 'why?'. She said 'because I'm trying to examine you'.

[HollowHorn]

GLESGA (Glasgow) NUNS
"Aye, that's whit tae dae." says Sister Senga. She opens the window and shouts.......
"Get tae fuck aff the car ya durty wee vampire bastard!!!!"

[Doorstop]

I was telling my niece about the "Where's Wally" books the other night. The look on her face as she got all excited at the thought of finding Wally hidden in the wonderfully intricate drawings was delightful so I decided to buy her some and trotted off into Glasgow town centre to buy her a wee selection.

Tried Waterstones, John Menzies, WH Smiths .. everywhere. Not a sausage. Out of stock.

Well played Wally, well f*ckin' played.