A wee joke

[Lone Groover]

[bcuk10]

just bought my epiletic brother a strobe light for christmas he's gonna have a fucking fit when he see's it

[Doorstop]

Newsflash:

Following her ordeal, Scottish nurse Magdeline Makola has said she will be looking for bargains amongst the new year sales immediately upon her release from hospital.

She's never going to a car boot again though.

[Doorstop]

On a similar note:




World Hide and Seek Record Attempt - Fail!

[Wee Minx]

[Lone Groover]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'


'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'


The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

'Johnnie Walker Black Label and women with big tits.'

[BrigitDoon]

Fred is visiting his Welsh cousin Dai and they're walking around a mining village. Just then, Fred needs a pee so Dai points out the gents further down the street.

Fred goes in and emerges a minute later and says to Dai:

"You're not going to believe this, but there's a black fellow in there with white tackle!"

"Don't be silly", says Dai, "that's a Welshman been home for his lunch."

[OLDFART]

[BrigitDoon]

Two geezers from the sign company are out on a Friday afternoon finishing off their weekly assignments. They arrive at Studley and Pollock to replace the plastic lettering on the front of the premises. Half way through, the lad at the top of the ladder says:

"I've done the Studley, so let's start on the Pollock. Throw us up a P."

His mate has a rummage in the back of the van but can't find one.

"Sorry mate, can't find a P; we've got a spare B, though."

"Bugger it", says the lad on the ladder, "We've cocked-up the London Brick Company."

[tombro]

Belters, Brigit !

Tombro

[Lone Groover]

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: 'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?'
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied:
'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

[Doorstop]

f(x)=3x+7(sin(x-1)) walks into a pub and walks up to the bar.

The barman says "I'm sorry Sir.. I'm going to have to ask you leave."


f(x)=3x+7(sin(x-1)) says "Why? What's wrong?"

Barman says "We don't cater for functions."

[BrigitDoon]

Nice one, Doorstop. We don't get many mathematical jokes. I spent a whole year reading the subject at uni and didn't hear one of my fellows crack a joke in all that time.

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Alternatively...

Q. How many lead singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. 20. One to hold the bulb and 19 to drink until the room spins.

Let us return to our mathematicians:

Q. How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. He gives it to the lead singers thereby reducing the problem to the previous joke.

If k mathematicians can change a lightbulb and one supervises, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the lightbulb.

We have already proved that one mathematician can change a lightbulb so by induction, for any positive integer n, n mathematicians can change a lightbulb.

[Dugald]

:We don't get many mathematical jokes. I spent a whole year reading the subject at uni and didn't hear one of my fellows crack a joke in all that time.

An historical note of humour in a math class at a high school in Govan many years ago.

Three squaws get married. The first one sleeps on the hide of a bear; the second one sleeps on the hide of a moose; and the third one sleeps on the hide of a hippopotamus. As usually happens, the three ladies became pregnant. The first squaw had a baby son; the second squaw had a baby girl; and the third squaw had twins, a boy and a girl. Which all goes to prove that:

The squaw on the hide of a hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

By today's standard, the word "squaw", which means " A Native American woman", may be offensive. I use it here only as an historical note.

[Lone Groover]

The Cherokee tribe leader was approached by a young brave.

"Chief, how do you decide what names to give new children ? "

The Chief eyes him and answers.

"On the day a child is born to our tribe, the ancient Gods will send a sign. I carry the child to the river and hold the child high so the Gods may see their spirit, then I chant and turn around and open my eys to see what the Gods have revealed.

I told this to your Father, Running Bear, and to your Brother Sitting Eagle. So why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking ?"