Funny Shit at work.

[DVF]

It doesn't happen very often but this is doing the rounds just now.

EARLY RETIREMENT

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 40 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (retire aged personnel early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (special help after final termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the managements SCREW scheme (social committee for retired early workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (additional income for dependants or spouse) or HERPES (half earnings for retired personnel early severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (special high intensity training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring it to the attention of your manager. He/She has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

The Management.

[kn0wledge]

My dad sent this to one of his previous colleagues after he resigned:

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed down from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse the best strategy is to dismount.

In <INSERT COMPANY>, however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:

1. Change riders

2. Buy a stronger whip

3. Do nothing: "this is the way we have always ridden dead horses"

4. Visit other countries to see how they ride dead horses

5. Perform a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance

6. Hire a contractor to ride the dead horse

7. Harness several dead horses together in an attempt to increase the speed

8. Provide additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance

9. Appoint a committee to study the horse and assess how dead it actually is

10. Re-classify the dead horse as "living-impaired"

11. Develop a Strategy Plan for the management of dead horses

12. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for all horses

13. Modify existing standards to include dead horses

14. Declare that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line than many other horses

15. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position

[james73]

Your last paragraph there reminded me of this one...



SUBJECT: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ______________________________________________________________________

In order to ensure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
staff, it will be our policy to keep employees well trained through our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give our
employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please
see your manager. You will immediately be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T.
list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take the S.H.I.T. will be placed on Departmental
Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will also have to attend Employee Attitude Training
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted,
they do not have to take S.H.I.T. anymore, and, indeed, are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in the job of training
other's. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the
S.H.I.T. jobs and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programs,
Special High Intensity Training (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training,
Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,



Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)



Would be quite funny if it wasn't so close to reality...





James H

[DickyHart]

yours is a cracker knowledge, you would not believe how true it is where i work, you have worked for a coonsil so you know what its like. hee hee

[PlasticDel]

Oh that Knowledge and his joking! What is he like!?

That is hilarious! I love it when people rip the piss out of their job!

[kn0wledge]

Haha, I didn't write it: my dad did. I am planning to use it at some point in the fure though. It's too good to not use.