The Hidden Glasgow Forums

There are two statues in a park…one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “You still have fifteen minutes left.”

The male statue asks the woman statue, “Would you like to do it again?”

“Oh, yes let’s,” she replies “but let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”

The IRA have issued a statement.
"If those twins get through another round of the X FActor - another member of Boyzone dies !.....

Heh.

Darren is on work experience at the zoo and his supervisor, Mr Johnson, is giving him his tasks for the day:
"Right young Darren, let's get you started on something easy. Take this bucket of seed to the aviary and feed the Red-Cheeked Bullfinches."

Darren, being a capable lad does as he's told but discovers to his horror that every single finch is lying dead at the bottom of the cage. Dilligently he rushes back to tell Mr Johnson the bad news.

"Oh how dreadful! Well nature does not waste and neither shall we." says the supervisor. "Throw them in with the lions and we can save on beef this week."

Darren's next task is a little more taxing: "Take this wheelbarrow of fruit over to Primates' Paradise and feed the chimpanzees." say the supervisor.

Darren is not daunted by the task and trots off, but discovers to his dismay that all the chimpanzees are lying dead at the bottom of their enclosure. Once again he returns to Mr Johnson to relay the tragic news. "Oh how terrible! Poor Charlie, Bo-Bo and the others. Still, such is the circle of life. Throw them in with lions and I'll cancel tomorrow's meat delivery.

Darren is crestfallen but Mr Johnson is keen to take his mind off things. "Looks like it's just not your day Darren. Here, just put these new information signs up around the Eurasian Honeybee hives."

Happy with his lot, Darren makes his way to the hives, but finds to his great chargrin that every bee is lying dead on the ground. Again he reports back to Mr Johnson, upset by his apparent 'touch of death'.

"Oh how awful! And an endangered species to boot." sighs the supervisor "Alas, nature - red in tooth and claw. Best throw them in with the lions - but be sure to grind them up first, we don't want the lions to sting their mouths."

In the lion enclosure Simba - the newest arrival - watches Darren throw the bee pulp over the barrier and turns excitedly to his fellow big cats and says ...



... wait for it, wait for it ...



... "Guys this is great! I've only been here a couple of hours and I've already had finch, chimps and mushy bees."

Dyslexia certainly hasn't dented my mate's confidence.

Just the other day, he went to see Lennox Lewis at a book signing, and he reckons he managed to take him down with just one punch.

made me laugh.

A wee midget wummin goes tae see the doctor cause her fannie is aw chaffed. She lifts her skirt up and the doc says " Ah see yur problem" and gets a pair of scissors and cut s away . She pulls her dress down and starts walking about the surgery with ease. O thats better she says what did you do. The doc replies " Ah just cut the top of yur wellies.

hazy wrote:A wee midget wummin goes tae see the doctor cause her fannie is aw chaffed. She lifts her skirt up and the doc says " Ah see yur problem" and gets a pair of scissors and cut s away . She pulls her dress down and starts walking about the surgery with ease. O thats better she says what did you do. The doc replies " Ah just cut the top of yur wellies.

That's about as auld as Gary Glitter's new burd.

heyb there

Aw, come on, hungryjoe !

I reckon I first heard that one at least 20 years ago.

Tombro

I can honestly say I've never heard it before, but coming from somewhere where everyone wears wellies all the time, I don't suppose it'd be that funny.

It's made me chuckle though.

tombro wrote:Aw, come on, hungryjoe !

I reckon I first heard that one at least 20 years ago.

Tombro ::): ::):

Ahm only 19 FFS.
If I didnt have bad luck I would have no luck .After waiting weeks for my exchange Micheal Jackson tickets i have just recieved Boyzone reunion concert tickets.

It's gonna be a great Christmas this year in Heaven. Steven Gateley singing caroles, Patrick Swayze leading the dance, Keith Floyd knocking up lunch and Jacko playing with the kids.

What do you call a woman with two twats ?













John & Edwards Mum.....

How time flies. I'm sure it's only a few weeks since the answer to that one was 'Mrs. Caldwell'