A wee joke

[bcuk10]

Council tax re-evaluers want to charge us more if we live in a nice area.

That ought to mean discounts for those of us who live in rough areas.

We have a huge council house in our street....

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn’t taxed or insured, and doesn’t even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son’s girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family’s odd antics are always in the papers.

They are out of control. ..........
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Honestly - who’d live near Windsor Castle ?

[VGSmiles]

Why do most men die before their wives?....because they want to.....




So I asked the police officer if I can park my car here....he said "No". And I said, well what about all these other cars here? and he said. "They never asked"

[Doorstop]

GORDON BROWN was in Scotland visiting a Buckie primary school and he visited one of the classes.

They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '

'No', says our Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said 'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it huz tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss and it probably widnae be a f*cking accident either!

[Shardonnay]

[Lone Groover]

A little Irish lad sits crying by the road. A man asks " What's the matter son ?"
"Me Mammy just died " he sobs.
"Oh Bejaysus" says the man. " Shall I call Father O'Reilly for you ?"
"No" says the boy. " Sex is the last thing on my mind right now".

[Squigster]

What do women & carpets have in common






Lay them right the first time, and you can walk over them for years

[Doorstop]

Selling biscuits for 27p,that's Asda price....

Selling toys for 99p,that's Fisher Price.....

Selling pathetic rape stories to the press,that's Katie Price.

[bcuk10]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so a lone.'

God though for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'
Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

[hungryjoe]

A man driving around the backwoods of Montana sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, and the owner appears and tells him that the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he asks 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I contacted the CIA. In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger. So I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible drug deals and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog..

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit'

[Doorstop]

Joe mate, that is bloody brilliant.

[BrigitDoon]

One of the best I've heard in a long while.

[flyman]

A man in Tesco's tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager 'Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

' Liverpool , sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Liverpool ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Liverpool .'

'You're kidding?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'

[flyman]

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus.

They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general’s body between any two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked away with a check $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third as to the additional bonus check.

When the third general was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, “from the tip of my penis, to the bottom of my testicles.”

The pension man said that would be fine, but he’d better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop his pants…he did…. The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God!” he said, “where are your testicles?!”

The general replied, “Back in Nam!”

[flyman]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

[flyman]

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks, “How will I recognize him?” “That’s easy, he’s a midget with a speech impediment.”

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. “A female horth.” So he shows him a prized filly. “Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth”?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. “Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth”?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf”? The rancher is gettin’ pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf, can I thee her twat”?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

“Perhapth I should rephrathe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit”?