A wee joke

[The Creeping Spleen]

Back in the days of Bonnie Pince Charlie, a squad of Redcoats is out on a routine patrol.

Suddenly, a kilted Highlander pops up at the top of a hill, "Mon then, ya English bastards! Come ahead!" he shouts. Then turns round, lifts his kilt moons them, and disappears.

The English officer is of course rather angry at this display of rebellion. "Sergeant, take two men and apprehend that ruffian."

The sergeant and two men duly hustle up to the top of the hill, and disappear down the other side.

Silence. Then after a couple of minutes, the Highlander appears again, "Come on! I'll fight yez all!"

"Corporal, take two more men and capture that man!" says the officer.

The corporal and two more soldiers duly double time it up to the top of the hill, and disappear down the other side.

Silence once more. Then the Clansman pops up again, to hurl more abuse at the soldiers.

The officer is about to take his last two men up the hill himself, when the sergeant appears, covered in blood, uniforms torn, and comes staggering back down the hill, shouting at the top of his voice - "Get back! It's a trap! There's two of them!"

[Delmont St Xavier]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me, we had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shoite, O'Conner," says Sean,

"He couldn't do that to you Paddy, sure Jamie O'Conner is just a little bloke - he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "I've little sympathy wit' ya. You should have defended yourself! Didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breasts, and things of beauty they may be, but terrible fucking useless in a foight."

OFFICIAL WARNING ISSUED - I'm stealing this yin...

[Doorstop]

No warning required .. Steal away.

[sandabound]

For his birthday,little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it, the next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*****g bike.

[The Creeping Spleen]

What did the slug say to the snail?

Big Issue, help the homeless, Big Issue...

[pingu]

Theirye're




problem solved.

[pingu]

Some years ago, in a small coastal Irish community, Paddy married a woman, Maggie, half his age. All was well at first until Maggie took delivery of a 'woman's magazine and began to read things about sex. It soon became clear that she had never climaxed during sex and, according to her Grandmother, all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.. To resolve the problem, Paddy and Maggie went to see the Veterinarian since there was no doctor within thirty miles who could be relied upon not to gossip. However, the Vet didn't have a clue about people. But he did recall during hot summers, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding. Apparently, this cooled her down and helped her to relax.. So he recommended they hire a strong, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, should cause the young wife to cool down, relax and possibly achieve the sought after climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a huge bath towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet who suggested she change partners and let the young man have a go while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice shouted,


"And dat, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin' towel"

[Doorstop]

An Irish member of Celtic's far-flung traveling support had saved up enough money to make the trip to Glasgow for an Old Firm clash.

This was a youth from an isolated country farm who had never been in a large city at all, never mind the metropolis of the West, and he walked the streets for hours before the match, staring all around, taking in the sky high buildings and all the sights and sounds like a kiddie in a sweetshop.

A Rangers fan spotted the youth in his green-and-white scarf, watching the traffic lights at a busy crossing in Argyle Street, and thought he would wind him up.

'Do you know,' he asked the lad, 'that these are very special lights?'

'Is that so now?' said the boy.

'Aye. See when the light's at red? That mean all the communists can go. See when it's at green? That's when all the Irishmen can go.'

The young stranger was delighted "Tis wonderful lights so they are. They hardly give the Orange bastards a chance at all.'

Proviso: I'm a proddy myself so no sectarianism intended. All for the laughs.

[sandabound]

THE WILL..........




Harold Smith is on his deathbed, knows the end is near

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

So, he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall .."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks

of the Thames .."


The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Harold slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to

have accumulated all this property".


Sarah replies, "Property? ... the a**hole had a paper round !"
.

[sandabound]

A man sends a text to his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
.

[The Creeping Spleen]

A Ukrainian Customs Official is stamping the passport of a tourist.

"And where are you from, sir?"
"Russia."
"Occupation?"
"Nyet, I'm just visiting."

[Alycidon]

Sad news at the Nestlé factory today. A member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath.



He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "the milky bars are on me" everyone just cheered

[Doorstop]

Stealing this!

[sandabound]

it's been hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st-Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd-What do you think of Damascus?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the s**t out of them!!"


Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son, Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"


Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!"


A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarfs?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
.................................................................................
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"
.................................................................................
The last is always best:
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
.

[sandabound]

8 out of 10 women who were asked when showering, what shampoo do you use, said

HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE ?

(a wee locksmiths joke)