A wee joke

[Vinegar Tom]

I'll pit the kettle on the gas fir a wee cup ae tea Eck.

I don't mean to be pedantic ( ) but shouldn't that be "pit the kettle oan"?

Or was that a copy and paste from one of that select band of retired gentlemen who write letters to The Herald in cod doric?

[The Egg Man]

..........
Or was that a copy and paste from one of that select band of retired gentlemen who write letters to The Herald in cod doric?

I couldn't say. I stole it from somewhere completely different.

[Doorstop]

A married woman, an engaged woman and a mistress were all having lunch with each other.

They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by wearing a black leather bra, basque, stiletto heels stockings and a sexy black leather mask that night.

They agreed to meet up the next day and relay saucy stories.

The engaged woman said "the boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you." Then he tore all the clobber off and screwed me silly all night long."

The mistress said "Me too! My lover came to my house straight from his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, he just ripped my gear off and he went wild, and fucked my brains out."

The married woman said "When my husband came home, I opened the door for him, standing there, leaning sexily against the doorframe .. "

The friends both say "well, what happened next?"

The married woman said "He walked past me and said "Awright Batman? Wit's fur dinner?"

[banjo]

met a dyslexic yorkshireman,he was wearing a catflap.

[Doorstop]

Stealing.

[banjo]

had to phone emergency services last night cos two wummin were fighting over me,thats not an emergency said the operator,aye it is ah said.the ugly wans winning.

[yoker brian]

Just had the police at my door, to tell me my two dogs are chasing people down the street on bikes.

Told them that they must be mistaken, because my dogs don't own bikes

[Doorstop]

A performing street mime gets a job at a zoo, entertaining kids.

A week or two into the job he starts doing his routine when the zoo manager calls him into his office. He explains, "I can't let you perform your show in our zoo, it's distracting to the other visitors attention away from the animals. But, I have a job offer for you. One of our gorillas just died recently, and he was one of our most popular exhibits. We'd like to hire you to put on this gorilla suit and stay in his cage during zoo hours, at least until we can get a replacement gorilla."

The mime thinks it's a pretty good deal, so he accepts.

At first, the mime is having a great time pretending to be an ape, but pretty soon he gets bored. After exploring his cage for a bit, he realizes that he can climb the walls, open a hatch on the roof, and climb over the top of the cages to the lion cage next door. He starts tormenting the lion, banging on the top of the cage and watching the lion growl, snarl, try to jump up and grab him and generally pace around, becoming increasingly pissed off.

One day, the mime is up to his usual tricks, tormenting the living daylights out of the lion, when, suddenly, the hatch on the top of the lion cage breaks open, and the mime falls in. The lion starts chasing the mime in the gorilla suit, who panics and starts running around, shouting, "Help! Help! It's gonnae eat me!" The lion pounces, pins down the mime, and whispers angrily,

"Shut up, ya stupit cunt! Do you want baith ae' us tae get oor jotters?"

[tobester]

My sister took being sent to jail really badly.

She refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near her, and smeared the walls with her own faeces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again!

[Boxer6]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.
A sign read: 'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.
Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign
'Don't Miss Derek The Amazing Scotsman'.
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know
Something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?'
'Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

[Doorstop]

[stranger]

[Alycidon]

At least we now know what happened to Shergar

[Josef]

I quite like some of the jokes doing the rounds. Favourite so far :

"Have they checked the veggie burgers for uniQuorn?"

[yoker brian]

You know what really winds me up?

Going to the bathroom & discovering that a previous visitor has gone & left a massive log in the loo... It's just not the done thing