A wee joke

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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Mon Feb 20, 2017 7:42 pm

a guy goes into the butchers and asks for a pound of whats what.the butcher says hes never heard of it.guy comes in the next day and asks for a pound of whats what.butcher says he has no such thing.on the third day the guy walks in and points over the butcher and says whats that? the butcher replies whats what?the guy says good give us a pound.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Thu Mar 09, 2017 9:49 pm

::):

One for the physics buffs:

Heisenberg and Schrodinger are heading back from the lab when they get pulled over by the cops.

The cop gets out and asks Heisenberg to roll his window down.

"Do you have any idea how fast you were going?" asks the officer.

"No .. " says Heisenberg, "but I can tell you exactly where I am".

The cop struggles with this for a second before saying "sir, you were traveling at 65 in a 50 zone".

"Well, that's it!" proclaims Heisenberg in exasperation "Now I've no bloody idea where we are!!"

"Are you drunk?" says the policeman, "Open the boot!"

Heisenberg opens the boot and the cop shines his torch inside.

"Hey!! .. there's a dead cat in here!" the policeman yells in surprise.

Schrodinger shouts back, "Well now there fuckin' is!"
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Sun Mar 19, 2017 6:52 pm

Young gunslinger wannabe walks into the saloon and spies an old hand at the game sitting at the end of the bar.

He walks over to the gnarled and world weary looking slinger and says "Hey! Aren't you Quick Draw Cassidy?"

"Yeah, kid" replies the slinger "What do you want?"

The young buck says "A few hints and tips, if you don't mind. I plan on being the best, just like you were."

The slinger looks the buck up and down and says "That holster is tied too high on your thigh. Untie it, loosen the belt until the gun drops six inches and see how that feels."

The buck does as he's told and whips the gun out, lightning quick, and shoots the cigar out of the saloon piano players mouth.

"That's great!!" says the buck "Much faster .. anything else?"

The slinger looks at the muzzle of the gun and says "You hang slightly to the right when you draw. Bend the gunsight a bit to the left to compensate."

The buck bangs the gunsight on the edge of the bar until it's bent to one side slightly. He holsters the gun and, once again, pulls out lightning fast and shoots the hat off the piano player as he tickles the ivories.

"Wow.." he says "what a difference. Anything else?"

The slinger says pull that gun out and let me see your holster."

The buck obliges and the slingers says "If you cut a notch out of the back of the holster, that'll allow you to level the gun quicker"

The buck takes out his Bowie knife and cuts a deep groove in the back of the leather and replaces the gun before carrying out a near perfect quick draw and firing another round, this time smashing the piano players beer glass into a thousand glittering smithereens.

"I can't tell you what a help you've been.." says the buck "Do you have one last tip for me before I go earn my fame and fortune?"

"Yeah .. " says the grizzled slinger "Go into the kitchen and ask thenm to cover your gun in chicken fat".

"Why? .. " says the buck, "Will that make it slip out of the holster even faster?"

"Nope!" says the slinger "but when Wyatt Earpe has finished playing his tune he's gonna shove it up your arse."
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby pingu » Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:10 am

I'm addicted to watching bruce Willis movies, i just cant go a day without watching one,
but you know the old saying,

old habits pulp fiction.
toot toot
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Fri Sep 22, 2017 12:19 pm

whilst cooking today using fresh herbs I accidentally rubbed my eyes and now I'm parsley sighted.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby motman » Sun Oct 01, 2017 7:41 pm

banjo wrote:whilst cooking today using fresh herbs I accidentally rubbed my eyes and now I'm parsley sighted.

:roll: :roll:
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Sat Oct 07, 2017 12:11 pm

anyone want to swap some bum jokes.........ive got piles.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Doorstop » Wed Oct 18, 2017 5:55 pm

Cockney bloke buys a parrot from a drunken Scotsman in a pub.

Takes it home and after a few days is getting mightily fed up with its constant screeching call of "I'm a Glaweeeegian parrot and I'm as hard as fuck!"

He decides to teach it a lesson so he borrows a kestrel from a mate with an aviary and puts it in the cage with the parrot and goes to his bed.

He gets up the next morning to find the parrot eating its seeds and the kestrel lying dead in the bottom of the cage. The parrot looks up and says "Told you. I'm a Glasweeeeegian parrot and I'm as hard as fuck!"

Mortified, he takes the kestrel's corpse to his mate to explain what happened and the mate says "Bastard! I'll give you something to sort that cunt out." and hands the parrot owner the biggest Golden Eagle he's ever seen. At least twice the size of a normal Golden Eagle and muscled like a butchers pitbull on steroids.

"This'll sort him out, good and proper" says the aviary owner.

Bloke goes back home and, with the eagle behind his back, says to the parrot, "What are you again?". Parrot turns round and screeches "I'm a Glasweeeeegian parrot .. and I'm as hard. As. Fuck, mate!"

Bloke says "Is that right and stuffs the giant Golden Eagle in the cage with the parrot and laughs "Let's see how hard you are now, smartarse" and goes to his bed.

He gets up in the morning and goes downstairs and pulls the cover off the parrot cage to find the Golden Eagle torn to fuck and dead as a doornail, stiff as a board on the bottom of the cage with the parrot, every single feather ripped from its body, standing next to it, eating its seeds from the wee feed tray.

The bloke stands there open mouthed and looks at the parrot.

The parrot looks up from the feed tray and says "Ah hud tae take my coat off for that wan.".
I like him ... He says "Okie Dokie!"
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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Mon Oct 30, 2017 8:26 am

A middle aged man walks into a chemist and asks to speak to the pharmacist.
The pharmacist comes over, and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Dae ye sell Viagra here?"
The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Dae ye think I could get it over the counter?"
The pharmacist says, "Maybe, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Thu Jan 11, 2018 12:58 pm

first one of the year good people,and remember its just a bit of fun..................my Chinese neighbour told me he has just opened up a crows shop.dont you mean a clothes shop I asked.no he said,come and have a rook. :roll:
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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:13 pm

Over on another forum I belong to, we've got a wee thing going called "The Real Meaning of Words". Basically you come up with an alternate meaning for a word or words based on how they sound.

The only hard and fast rules we have are - 1: You can't change the spelling of the word, and 2: It has to be funny.

So, with that in mind...

Bling - the sound a Chinese telephone makes.
Gumbo - an elephant with no teeth.
Lambretta - a sheep with a machine gun.
Jetski - a Russian aircraft.
Wankel Rotary Engine - the motor in a vibrator.
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Delmont St Xavier » Thu Jan 11, 2018 7:44 pm

It was so cold last Sunday, chickens were banging on the doors of my local KFC to get in....












I'll get ma jaiket...
"Listen, it's too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself. And in your case, that's enough."
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Re: A wee joke

Postby banjo » Tue Feb 20, 2018 3:52 pm

a horse and a donkey were in a field and were getting on so well together the horse invited the donkey back to his place for a drink.the donkey was looking at the photos on the wall and asked the horse about them.ach,that was years ago he said,thats me when I won the derby,thats me when I won the st leger.the donkey invited the horse to visit his place next week and on his way home he visited the zoo and took a photo of a zebra.when the horse visited he saw the photo and enquired about it.ach said the donkey ,that's when I played for Juventus.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby Boxer6 » Thu Feb 22, 2018 11:09 pm

Delmont St Xavier wrote:It was so cold last Sunday, chickens were banging on the doors of my local KFC to get in....

Here we are some 6 weeks later and KFC can only dream of this!! :D









I'll get ma jaiket...
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
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Re: A wee joke

Postby The Creeping Spleen » Fri Feb 23, 2018 11:16 am

Delmont St Xavier wrote:It was so cold last Sunday, chickens were banging on the doors of my local KFC to get in....












I'll get ma jaiket...

Taxi for St. Xavier! ;)
Another sunrise with my sad captains, with who I choose to lose my mind,
And if it's all we only pass this way but once, what a perfect waste of time.
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