A wee joke

[HollowHorn]

Having said that, Banjo, them sarnies we had in Alexander's did taste a bit funny. Oh and btw, them two youngsters have not been heard from since, just sayin'.

[banjo]

[Delmont St Xavier]

Ate a burger from Tesco and Aldi and I've had the trots ever since....

[Dot]

As it has been mentioned a few times in this thread I thought I would post this.

Roses are red,
Violets are cute,
Enjoy your lasagne,
Look out for the bute.

[mercury]

Roses are red
Violets are glorious
Don't try to surprise Oscar Pistorius.

[stranger]

My tip for the soon to be vacant hot seat

[Doorstop]

MAN RULES



WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

[banjo]

but i hate camping.................the rest of that stuff is true though.

[pingu]

The fake food scandal has now moved onto B&Q.

Their wooden flooring has laminit.

[Doorstop]

I was on an engineering website forum today, talking to a guy about a 12mm 1.25 pitch bolt, to which he replied I actually needed a 12mm 1.5 pitch bolt.

I was in the wrong thread.

[banjo]

oh dear,oh dear.

[Doorstop]

A Hell's Angel goes into a coffee bar and orders a large cappuccino. He finishes his coffee and asks the waitress for his bill.

"Two pounds sixty," she says.

The Hell's Angel produces 260 penny coins, drops them on the floor and leaves.

This happens every morning for the next few days until one morning the Hell's Angel wants to pay with a fiver.

"Gotcha!" , thinks the waitress, she gets him his coffee and proceeds to drop his change, 240 pennies, onto the floor.

"Have a nice day!" she says with a smug little smile.

The Hell's Angel says "Hang on a minute love.", produces a 20 pence coin and places it on the table and says "Another large cappuccino, please."

[pingu]

:D

I was on an engineering website forum today, talking to a guy about a 12mm 1.25 pitch bolt, to which he replied I actually needed a 12mm 1.5 pitch bolt.

I was in the wrong thread.

had to read that about 5 times till the penny dropped

dear god indeedy

[banjo]

redeemed yersel there bigstuff.all is forgiven and i am having that one,cheers.

[Doorstop]

Three shows a night, and on the end of the pier for a month.

Possibly more for jumping than entertainment.