A wee joke

[banjo]

how do you make a cat go woof.............douse it in petrol and chuck it on the fire.

[the researcher]

couple at bedtime
wife to husband have you put the cat out?
husband to wife i didnt know it was on fire

[Sunflower]

You two got permits for those exhumations?



(How do you make a dog sound like a cat?)

[banjo]

news just in that an indian man has died after falling off the roof of an auditorium during a concert by lionel richie...................................................................................................his boss said the last thing he remembered was dan singh on the ceiling.

[munroman]

I'm posting this from the Casualty Department at the Royal.

Apparently the Dyson Ball Cleaner isn't quite what I thought it was.......

[pingu]

Political guide to TOURISTS to the Island of Ireland..Cross Border Explained!!

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

The capital of Ireland is Dublin . It has a population of a million people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland , but still pay in Euros.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be in Ireland , but a successful 30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now definitely in the UK . Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now be in France .

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland . It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the South. No, not the south, the South.

There are two parliaments in Ireland . The Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced "Doyle"), an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers' money. The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it.

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland . Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again. Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was wrong and ordered a new referendum.

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin .

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All versions of the IRA claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA. The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers simply because it is the easiest to spell.

[Doorstop]

Absolutely brilliant .. stealing that immediately.

[hazy]

NASA send a monkey and a woman as an experiment into space. They both have computers and a message comes through to the monkey. Take a trajectory of 105degree using the formula 2x(-32)+372 sub 12. After that check the fluxx capassitors and put the retro rockets into self align mode. At space location angle 2375443 slightly adjust the tetra guide inducers to a max of 232ghz on a frequency of 909fl.
Womans computer _ Feed the monkey.

Aye a know my two girls have alreaady beat the shit out of me.

[Doorstop]

NASA send a monkey and a woman as an experiment into space. They both have computers and a message comes through to the monkey. Take a trajectory of 105degree using the formula 2x(-32)+372 sub 12. After that check the fluxx capassitors and put the retro rockets into self align mode. At space location angle 2375443 slightly adjust the tetra guide inducers to a max of 232ghz on a frequency of 909fl.
Womans computer _ Feed the monkey. and for fuck sake don't press any fucking buttons

Aye a know my two girls have alreaady beat the shit out of me.

Fixed.

[hazy]

Top man D

[jodieohdoh]

NASA send a monkey and a woman as an experiment into space. They both have computers and a message comes through to the monkey. Take a trajectory of 105degree using the formula 2x(-32)+372 sub 12. After that check the fluxx capassitors and put the retro rockets into self align mode. At space location angle 2375443 slightly adjust the tetra guide inducers to a max of 232ghz on a frequency of 909fl.
Womans computer _ Feed the monkey. and for fuck sake don't press any fucking buttons

Aye a know my two girls have alreaady beat the shit out of me.

Fixed.

Aw the nice, look at you two kiddin yourselves

[Doorstop]

That's nervous laughter Jodie .. we know our place.

[Doorstop]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"That's the talking clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?" says the mate.

"Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer and, almost immediately, a voice on the other side of the wall screams, "For fuck sake, you wanker, it's two forty five in the fucking morning!!"

[hungryjoe]

That's nervous laughter Jodie .. we know our place.

There are some fools who think a woman's place is in the home. Aye right. Everyone should know that a woman's place is in the wrong.

[Doorstop]

*dons his tin bunnet and takes cover*